Milton and the Duke

New Episode of Another Comedy Show! WIth Anthony Jeselnik!

2010-11-09T16:28:00.003-05:00

Another Comedy Show Episode 9 is here. We sat with Anthony Jeselnik, who is very funny. A quick summation of his work, courtesy Google:

“Anthony Jeselnik (born December 22, 1978) is an American stand-up comedian and television writer. He was born and raised in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, but currently resides in New York City, New York.[1] He earned a BA in English Literature from Tulane University, then moved to Los Angeles. He has performed stand-up on television programs such asLate Night With Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Down and Dirty with Jim Norton and Last Call with Carson Daly.[2] Jeselnik also had a Comedy Central Presents special that premiered on January 16, 2009.[3]

Jeselnik worked as a writer on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon for the show’s first season and often appeared in the show’s comedy sketches. After working on Late Night for a year, he left the show in March 2010 to focus on performing stand-up comedy and other future projects.”

He also has a new album out (artwork above) called “Shakespeare”.

Take a listen to the show, either here on the site or search iTunes for “Another Comedy Show”.

Passion Return

2010-10-09T02:51:00.000-04:00

Another Comedy Show Episode 8 w/ David Cope!

2010-10-05T11:20:00.003-04:00

It’s up! Episode 8 of Another Comedy Show with comedian David Cope!

http://anothercomedyshow.podbean.com/ to stream directly or

http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/another-comedy-show/id323725359

to open in iTunes.

It was great to talk to David, who is one of the hosts of Hot Soup in NYC and has performed at Bumbershoot, Sasquatch and the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.

Check it out.

I Wrote This Song On Weed

2010-08-11T15:18:00.000-04:00

An original song by Max Barth.

Star Trek: The Greatest Generation

2010-05-26T21:34:00.006-04:00

I lost the contest. Oh well, fuck them. Now I'll go back to doing standup for free until someone wants to pay me.

In other news, here's a sketch:

Ryan and I wrote it, and Max and I are in it. So are old people.

Super.

Thanks for watchin',

-Joe

Star Trek: The Greatest Generation

2010-05-26T16:54:00.001-04:00

Star Trek: The Greatest Generation - watch more funny videos

A sketch Joe & Ryan wrote, and Max directed and Joe & Max are in.

Help Joe Win $100! Round 2/4

2010-05-11T15:58:00.003-04:00

I got to the next round!

Round 2/4

Please vote! This round is almost over.

http://ur.lc/jbb

Thanks.

-Joe

Help Joe win $100 Round 1/4

2010-05-06T19:46:00.006-04:00

Please vote for me in this standup contest! I can win $100! It really doesn't take long I promise!

VOTE HERE!!!!!

THANKS!!!!!!!!

-Joe

Britmileystina Aguilerspearcyrus

2010-05-05T02:44:00.014-04:00

Well, Britney Spea-- sorry, Miley Cyrus, just released her new music video, wherein she dresses like a slutty peacock and comes as close to showing her boobs as a seventeen-year-old legally can. I must strain to hold back every ounce of testosterone and anti-establishment fire in my body to say this, but I'm not sure I approve. I just about never get offended by anything, but I think today I almost know what it feels like. I felt so dirty after watching "Can't Be Tamed." I work at a summer camp, and there are so many young girls whose innocence (innocences?) I value greatly, and today that was completely shattered. Most of them are huge Miley Cyrus fans, and would defend her to the death. Miley Cyrus was supposed to be the one who would break the norm, and be a good influence. She wasn't a whore, but she also wasn't an unlistenable, somber indie poet. It seems like every female artist these days strays one way or the other. Miley gave us hope and didn't deliver. She's like Obama's Afghanistan policy.

Why couldn't singers like Miley Cyrus separate their kid-friendly personas from their more adult ones? Comedians do it all the time. George Carlin had no problem separating "7 Dirty Words" from "Shining Time Station." Richard Pryor had no problem separating his on-stage persona from that cute family movie where a white guy buys him at a toy store (um...). So how 'bout it, Pink-- I'm sorry -- Miley? Put the slut dance on MTV, and on the side continue selling songs about going to the mall to seven-year-olds.

For one thing, her progression as an artist, that is, the narrative of her musical career, is inconsistent. It doesn't really make sense. Her last hit song was "Party in the USA," a song about the struggles she faced as a Hollywood outsider. As you know, she started at the bottom with her country star father and supporting role in Big Fish. But I digress. Her last hit song was "Party in the USA," where she struggled to fit in, and now suddenly she "Can't Be Tamed" and she's literally a whore. Also, she's some sort of bird or something. A bird you're supposed to want to fuck I guess.

But Miley assured Ryan Seacrest (I really seriously watch this shit) that "the video is not about being sexy, or who can wear less clothes...[Sex] is not the premise. It's about explaining the song and living the lyrics." What are the lyrics, you ask? First verse:

"For those who don't know me, I can get a bit crazy
Have to get my way, 24 hours a day
'Cause I'm hot like that
Every guy everywhere just gives me mad attention
Like I'm under inspection, I always get the tens
'Cause I'm built like that

I go through guys like money flyin' out their hands
They try to change me but they realize they can't
And every tomorrow is a day I never planned
If you're gonna be my man, understand
I can't be tamed..."

The actual content doesn't bother me so much as the Rumsfeldian divide between her words and actions.

But the most disappointing thing to me about Christina Aguiler-- I'm sorry -- Miley Cyrus' new direction is that, musically, this song is fucking terrible. It's no more terrible than most of the dreck on the radio, but it's absolutely no better, and she's clearly not putting a lot of work into this anymore. I wouldn't say I'm a fan of Miley Cyrus, but I think she's more talented than a lot of other celebrated "musicians" around these days, and her songs usually don't sound the same as everything else. "The Climb" actually sounds like a legitimate song. But things started to go downhill when she put out "Party in the USA," (which, by the way, she didn't write, nor has she apparently ever heard a Jay-Z song, let alone "moved her hips like 'yeah'" to one). And now it seems like she has just ripped a page right out of the Britney Spears playbook on this one.

Lady Gaga became a stripper so people would notice her and she could release good music. Miley Cyrus did the opposite.

-Joe

2010-05-04T15:51:00.004-04:00

I missed my first class today. It started at 1:10. I woke up at 1:50.

The reason for this is that I was up until 4 at a movie shoot. My lines were "I bet Voldemort has a huge cock" and "Half a dick?" I stayed up all night and missed class for two throw away dick jokes. That's what's going on with me.

-Joe

Interview with a REAL Serial Killer

2010-04-27T01:18:00.014-04:00

Our most loyal fans may remember this video we posted a while back (11 months ago, according to youtube), wherein Ryan played a serial killer and I interviewed him. We got some fun comments on it, so I'd like to share them with you. If you haven't seen the video, or would like to view it again, here it is.

And here's the fun conversation we've been having about it with a real sharp youtuber.

*UPDATE
Someone else who may or may not be speaking ironically has joined the conversation. I'm so unbelievably excited.

**UPDATE
It's still going. Seriously.

***UPDATE
I just gave him a definition of satire. Let's see what happens.
________________________________________
MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke
is there supposed to be some kinda fuckin message to this

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830
Yes. It's about economic injustice in India. God, don't you get it?

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke
haha funny this is one of those fuckin MUSIC N TELEVISION ARE RUININ SOCIETY bullshit

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830
Yeah. One of those bullshit.

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke
real original...why are music n television alwayz bein blamed for everything that goes wrong in society why arent tha parents being blamed...who are the ones that let there kidz listen to "that" kind of music or lets them play "those" types of gamez?......THA PARENTS or maybe tha kid jus isnt all there why arent these possibilities

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830
You saw the video. Bone Crusher Smith is a real serial killer, and he learned it from Marilyn Manson and Cookie Monster. Why is this so difficult for you?

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke
cuz its stupid i listen to marilyn manson n im not a serial killer n tha cookie monster? what tha fuck? thats where it got real stupid n why would a "real" serial killer do an interview

Laocoonshorse (Ryan) @MasterMindEnt830
Look. All serial killers kill people because of television and music. Every time. Television and music are 100% responsible for all violence and crime. What's so unclear about that?

MasterMindEnt830 @Laocoonshorse
oh my god you to, most serial killers dont even grow up around television and are rarely around music....music nor t.v. make me wanna kill anyone and if anyone kills jus because of that then there fuckin stupid

mennella2000 @Laocoonshorse
Utter shit! Psychologically that isnt the case. Fucking poorly educated Americans. Fucking hell, you people are so spent. I studied psychology and you sir, are full of shit and need to stop posting.

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830
Search Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer on youtube. They've done tons of interviews. And you know what? They listened to music as children.

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke
thats after they got caught, and of course they listened to music who doesnt listen to music......wait so what your sayin is that everyone who listens to music is a serial killer?

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830
I don't know one single person who listens to music or watches TV and isn't a serial killer. Also, Charles Manson was a musician himself, which makes him a double serial killer.

Laocoonshorse @MasterMindEnt830
I contend that any person who listens to music has a desire to kill people. Science has proved it.

MasterMindEnt830 @Laocoonshorse what? yes thats sooooo true cuz Ray Charles' "Hit the Road Jack" makes me wanna kill someone

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830 It sounds like that song promotes violence against the infrastructure of our great nation. You can take that crap somewhere else.

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke what the fuck? its jus a song it sounds like your TRYING to find some stupid negative meaning behind a song

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830 You're the one spreading your violent smut around. It blatantly says "Hit the road" right in the title. What if children see this?

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke there gonna think it means to leave cuz even children know hit tha road means to leave i used to say it when i was little when i would tell someone to leave

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830 Ok, smart guy, if music and TV don't make people serial killers, which they definitely do, how do people become serial killers?

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke there usually messed up in tha, dropped as a child or been abused as a child look up all famous serial killers (not on youtube) n they are gonna say tha same thing as me

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830 Psh, yeah, THAT sounds likely. Look, I interviewed Bone Crusher Smith. The video is right there, and he said he kills people because he heard swears on TV. I don't know why you feel the need to look for some other answer that isn't there.

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke bone crusher smith? real original name....n what idiot serial killer would do an interview hes not even a real serial killer ive never heard of him n i know alot of serial killers

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830 He heard bone crusher in a song so he changed his name to it. Jeez, did you even watch the video? And why do you know so many serial killers? You're sounding pretty suspicious with all of your serial killer friends and your wild Ray Charles music.

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke oh my fuckin god its Ray Charles not fuckin Marylin Manson you have no idea what your talkin about on this video its not even original god knows how many other videos there are on youtube jus like this

MiltonandtheDuke @MasterMindEnt830 "A common feature of satire is strong irony or sarcasm...This "militant" irony or sarcasm often professes to approve [of]...the very things the satirist actually wishes to attack." -Wikipedia

I thought you'd realize this is a joke when I said "I don't know one single person who listens to music and isn't a serial killer," but, alas, you carried on. No worries, all the people I sent this conversation to really enjoyed it.

MasterMindEnt830 @MiltonandtheDuke they enjoyed cuz i proved you wrong
________________________________________
This is un-fucking-real. If you read this please feel free to go to the video and tell him he's an idiot.

-Joe

Joey "The Legs" Messina

2010-04-24T18:44:00.000-04:00

Max hosted the second occasional "Snowed In Standup" in our dorm room recently. I couldn't make it, so my cousin from New Jersey filled in.

Also, check below for an update about my publishing difficulties.

Thanks fer readin/watchin,

-Joe

Smug Assholes Who Think They're Hilarious

2010-04-20T15:35:00.005-04:00

UPDATE:
I turned the IC Everywhere article in at last week's Buzzsaw meeting, then received the following email:

"I don't think this would quite work for the buzzsaw asks why column and I already explained about how it wouldn't go along with our theme. I'd definitely put your story up on the blog though, just know that you'd have to tweak it a little because we have a fake feature story theme there. Basically, you'd just have to make your story focus on the people who were annoyed or felt uncomfortable because of what IC Everywhere was doing (or might do). I think this was the strongest part of the story. Otherwise, maybe go into detail about exactly what ICE was trying to do, how badly they wanted funny reactions, etc.. also send that rewrite to me and I'll edit it and put it up. Thanks."

I'm officially done with Buzzsaw forever. They clearly have absolutely no idea what makes things funny. I'm not out to say this is the most brilliant thing ever written, but so far people who get it think it's funny. If I said specifically what IC Everywhere was doing in the story, it would undermine what I'm trying to say, which is that all of ICE's ideas are the same, just in different form. If I make up wacky scenarios for the sake of doing it, the piece won't be funny anymore. Although, to be fair, lack of humor and cleverness is what would make it stand out as a Buzzsaw piece, so I can understand why they would ask for that.

I was going to write back saying all of that, but instead I simply wrote "That would entirely defeat the purpose and undermine the message of the piece and remove all the humor from it, so I'll pass."

The piece will remain here in full form.
______________________________________

This article is about IC Everywhere, a show on Ithaca College Television modeled after Improv Everywhere. Thus far, Ithaca's Buzzsaw Magazine has ignored my requests for them to print this, so I'm posting it here.

IC Everywhere Does Something in Public that Most People Wouldn’t Normally Do in Public

By Joe Messina

What would you do if you saw a bunch of people, one or two of whom you may recognize from that one sociology class you took for a humanities credit, dressed as clowns, eating bananas, then suddenly stopping everything they’re doing, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DINING HALL??? Would you think it was real wacky? Would you be slightly confused for a minute then leave because you had to get to class?

IC Everywhere is an ICTV show whose cast carries out various pranks - or, “missions,” as they call them, smugly– on the unsuspecting Ithaca College population. I talked to some bystanders after IC Everywhere’s latest mission: doing something weird while wearing something unusual in a place where that doesn’t normally happen.

“I figured they were filming something. I didn’t really think much of it,” said Brian McMaddenstacken, ’12.

“They really got in my face with the camera, and gave me these looks, like they were expecting a reaction. I didn’t really know what to do,” said Kyla Fredoniansbergman, ’13.

“I was confused at first but then it ended and they told us they were IC Everywhere, and I was like ‘oh, alright,’ and I left,” said Rob Dicksobig, ’11.

Clearly, people’s minds have been blown left and right by this boundary-pushing show. “It really makes people think, you know?” said Greg Gregson, ’11, a producer on the show. “Because, like, all day everyone’s like, going about their routines, you know, and they never think that something could be like, ‘whoa,’ you know what I mean? It’s like a psychology thing.”

The show’s overwhelming popularity is due to their ability to make people think. Sure, everyone thinks they know how to act when a thing happens in a place, but when the time actually comes, they freeze up.

IC Everywhere was influenced by the group known as Improv Everywhere, which does pretty much exactly the same thing. They recently released Smugfest 2010, an annual tradition in which they do something wacky and people think it’s weird.

We can only expect more irreverence and fearless, groundbreaking television from IC Everywhere in the future. Watch out, you could be at their next event and be left thinking “Hm, that’s not really a regular thing.”

Wherein I Answer a Question

2010-04-20T15:08:00.004-04:00

Someone on my site asked the following:

I love the 90's! and all of the things that VH1 tells me I should Love! What is one of your most favorite 90's memories!?

Firstly, I commend you on your obedience to VH1.

Here is my answer:

There was this show “California Dreams” (1992-1997) that, for some reason, really sticks in my head. I don’t even remember super much about it, except there were always music videos, ‘cus the main “teen” characters were in an “awesome” “band” called…wait for it…California Dreams. One of the girls was really shitty at acting like she played the saxophone.

Anyway(s), I specifically remember one episode where Jake (the cool one) was all excited cus his favorite uncle came into town. His uncle, bee-tee-dubs, was played by Eddie Mekka, best known for his role as Carmine “The Big Ragu” Ragusa on Laverne and Shirely*.

So his uncle comes to town, but (twist!) he’s a smoker!

And, though Jake’s friends all warn him about the dangers of cigarettes, Jake takes up the habit himself.

AND THEN (TWIST AGAIN) one morning, Jake’s uncle is hanging out with Jake when he reveals that he had coughed up blood and been diagnosed with lung cancer!

I don’t remember what happened to Jake’s uncle, but I do remember a hi-larious montage of Jake’s friends (the rest of the “Dreams”) helping him to quit smoking. He started chewing gum to deal with the cravings, bu the cravings were so bad, HE WAS CHEWING LIKE 100 PIECES OF GUM AND HE COULD BARELY TALK CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

And there was another episode where Sly, the douchey manager, started dating Nikki Cox and found out she was blind.

So, that’s basically what I remember from the 90s.

Oh, and I guess the Gulf War was happening?

Hope that was informative.

Ryan G. Merriam

*I swear to God, this is from memory. And yet I almost failed high school chemistry.

15 Post-Apocalyptic College Hipster Survival Tips

2010-04-08T15:36:00.000-04:00

Hey everybody! An article I wrote is online at Collegesurfing.com. YES, the internet! THE BIG TIME!

Click through the title of this post to read it. Then retweet it. Then digg it, then kill yourself.

-Max

Econom-dicks

2010-04-06T23:44:00.005-04:00

I don't know very much about economics, but I think I can explain here, with a small anecdote, why my family and I generally support democrats.

In my freshman year of high school, I took an Earth Science class with my friend Dave. Now, Dave and I weren't big on science. We weren't really good at it, and we didn't like to spend a lot of time on it because it detracted from things we really cared about. However, before each test our teacher would give everyone in the class what you might call an "equal opportunity" to get extra points on the test, by playing a trivia game with us. Only problem was, it was Earth Science trivia. So now the people who were already going to get good grades got better grades, and Dave and I were just stuck in the middle, forever. She never did music trivia, or South Park Trivia, because those things aren't as important as Earth Science. Show me one person from that Earth Science class who can rock the Bohemian Rhapsody guitar solo as hard as I can, fucker. But it doesn't matter. If you can't do Earth Science, then you're not as smart as other people. There is only value in the things the most successful people in a society (or a high school science class) do. Why else would they be at the top?

Do you understand what I'm saying? Maybe a little?

Joe's interview with the Ithaca College newspaper

2010-03-29T11:41:00.005-04:00

This is related to my musical career rather than my comedy career, but recently I did some of my band's songs in an open mic at school, and a couple of journalism students interviewed me afterwards. The video is here.

You can check out my band here.

And you can watch all the songs from that set here.

In comedy news, Max, Ryan, and I will be competing in an Ithaca standup competition tonight for a chance to open for the next pro who performs here. Also, I'll be performing at Mohegan Manor in Baldwinsville, NY (which is as lame as it sounds) on Wednesday, April 7 at 7:00, and the three of us will be performing at Alfred University on Friday, April 9 at 10:00.

Rock,

-Joe

Bookstore Whore

2010-03-28T00:48:00.007-04:00

A bookstore is interesting because it's the only business where you can use the product for free and it's ok. Some places don't even let you use the bathroom unless you buy something. At a bookstore you can read and pee all you want and never pay a cent. In fact, if you go to Barnes & Noble and try to listen to a CD before you buy it, they'll throw you out, but if you go over to the book section, read an entire book about why music piracy should be illegal, put it back and walk out, no one will say a word.

Why is that? You can't eat food in a supermarket without buying it. You can't drink coffee at a Starbucks without paying (even if the Starbucks is in a bookstore, which happens now). And you can't have sex with a prostitute without paying her.

Prostitution, another interesting thing - you see, prostitution is only a problem because we've decided it's a problem. I doubt that anyone involved with prostitution is all that upset about it. If you're paying for sex or getting paid for sex I think you've gotten to a point where you've decided you're ok with that.

And I'm sure plenty of people will say "But Joe, they don't choose to be prostitutes. They need money and it's their last resort." Alright, then let them fucking be prostitutes. You're gonna take away their last source of income (excuse the pun)? What if I failed out of school and had to work at McDonald's? Would you come in and say "Whoa, what are you doing? You can't work in a fast food place. That's disgusting. It's all greasy and stuff - you're going to jail."

Anyway, that's what I think about bookstores.

-Joe

Healthcare Swill

2010-03-22T22:44:00.003-04:00

Ok, seriously Congress? You're gonna like, go and, ughhh. GOD. Jesus, congress. The eff? The eff, congress?

I'm so excited to wait 6 hours to see the doctor because every idiot with the sniffles will be there, too. Why did Obama have to pass the 6 hours to see the doctor bill? What an asshole. When I heard about this I had a moment of silence for the health of my future children - because I have to have children, but poor people shouldn't have any - because this is the greatest risk to their health, not war and poorly made cars and lack of safe sex education, the thing about poor people getting into hospitals.

I wish we could go back to presidents who never raised taxes for anyone ever, because that actually happened. God dammit. This is literally the worst thing to happen in the world ever. We need another president who knows a thing or two about health, who will send faith-based initiatives to Africa and teach them abstinence and tell them it's wrong to use condoms, because that never caused millions of AIDS-related deaths.

Why does everyone want a handout in this country these days? Don't they know that in America, if you work harder, you get more? I, for one, have lived in the middle class my whole life, and every day after my mom is done spending 8 measly hours teaching music to school kids, and another 2 or 3 teaching private lessons from home, and making dinner for our family of 5, and doing a few loads of laundry, and taking care of the dog, and my dad is done traveling a total of 4 hours and negotiating the deals that make the subways and buses run in New York City, I say to them, hey, you lazy fucks, maybe if you would work a little harder, we'd have more money.

Rush Limbaugh slaves away sitting at a radio microphone explaining to the people of this once-great nation in meticulous detail everything wrong with black people. Everything! He made it to that point all by himself, with hard work. Rush says there's nothing wrong with the healthcare system. And he lived it. He had no problems getting treated in the hospital earlier this year, and he's a regular, everyday, hardworking radio host/ author/ billionaire American. If that's not proof for you, I don't know what is.

Work Out Day

2010-02-28T15:54:00.003-05:00

Internet,
Sorry I haven't been writing here lately. I've been mostly working on shorter stuff at my site.
I'm working on some longer stuff.

And I've been working out.
February 26th was work out day. Watch this to see how I works on my fitness.

Love,
Ryan

Abortion Shmashmortion

2010-02-27T15:16:00.005-05:00

I wouldn’t say I’m pro abortion. I guess I am, though. I’m not sure what else you would call it.
I don’t like abortion. I don’t go around advocating abortion, and I certainly (probably) wouldn’t watch an abortion take place.
Nevertheless, I find myself unable to believe that a fetus should have more rights than a woman. I know, it’s awful. But I am who I am.
Important to note, though, that I am who I am because of the life I have led thus far. I was not born the way I am now. Less hair, for one (I was born with a comb over, though). But I was not born spewing witticisms and minor philosophical queries on the Internet. I’m sure I spewed several things, but carefully constructed sentences and paragraphs were not among them for quite some time. In fact, I even trained most of my life to be a classical musician before deciding I would rather be a writer. And I’m still not exactly sure what I will do with my life, because I have not yet made the antecedent decisions that will define my life.
I bring this up because those who would ban abortion completely have made arguments such as “What if the baby you abort would have gone on to cure cancer?”
Um, ok. What if the baby would have gone on to rape your daughter? Are these things decided pre-birth? See, I’m confused, because many members of the “Babies are better than women” club are also Christians, and Christians believe – at least, many angry Internet Christians have told me that Christians believe – that god gave us free will. It seems to me that the ideas of free will and fate don’t really go together. Either the baby was going to be a doctor the whole time, OR he/she/it/flark could have made decisions throughout life resulting in a career as a doctor and ultimately finding a cure for cancer. Maybe life begins at conception. A PhD, however, does not.

-Joe

P.S. Check out this post on hubpages! If you click the ads I get money! http://hubpages.com/hub/Aaaabortion?done

Ward Davis

2010-02-20T19:39:00.004-05:00

We had to interview and write a profile about a person for my Nonfiction Writing class. I decided to give mine a twist ending.

Ward Davis, a lifelong Ithaca resident, prefers not to disclose exactly where he lives, for fear of further harassment from, as he calls them, the “liberal elite college types.”

Davis explained as he took a drag off his cigarette, scowling, that college students and other liberals in Ithaca feel the need to steal the political signs he works so hard to purchase and place on his lawn. “Sometimes I make them myself,” he added, explaining how he goes to Ace Hardware for poster board and glitter to make signs, because he feels the need to get the message out about certain issues, especially on his front lawn.

Davis said he hasn’t spoken to anyone who looks at his signs, that he mostly just speaks “around” people, which consists largely of yelling from his lawn, especially if the signs are gone. “But if half the people who steal them are stealing them because they agree so much, then that’s still pretty good.”

Raised in a conservative Christian environment (at home, at least, where he says his parents talked about the “real issues” the schools wouldn’t talk about), Davis is strongly against gay marriage and other issues championed by liberals. While talking about Sarah Palin and the Tea Party movement, he explained that he believes conservatives are taking back the country from “tax-and-spend” liberals like Barack Obama, who Davis claims want to legalize “gay abortions.” I asked what else he felt the Tea Party movement was about, to which he answered “small government” and “tea.”

Davis stressed that he is fine with gay people, as long as he doesn’t hear about it. “Just keep it in your flooded basement,” he says (he suggested earlier in our conversation that rain and flooding could be brought on by atheism, but didn’t claim to know for sure).

“Gay people can get married when they stop having gay sex. I’m supposed to…[1]with them out there?”

He decried what he thought he may have heard somewhere about gay sex being taught in school, saying it was a “perversion.” “Teaching them how to have gay sex [in] fourth grade!”

When I asked further about Davis’ views on homosexuality, he said he was against coddling “the gays,” who he claims are 1% of the population. He said he has heard that the percentage is higher, but is pretty sure it’s “propaganda put out there by the elitist liberal media.” He also says that the condition is curable. “When your arm is broken, you go to the hospital and get it fixed. Well, same thing when your brain is broken.” Davis said he has never met a gay person.

We delved into Davis’ upbringing, to see where his strong convictions came from. Again, Davis’ parents instilled in him what they believed to be the “real issues” that the schools didn’t touch on. God was a big one of those issues. “God isn’t mentioned in school,” Davis says, and asserts that god is everywhere. “God is present in math and spelling. A lot of people probably don’t even know how to spell god. Well, they probably can spell god. But maybe not.”

Davis’ parents taught him about the bible, in accordance with their Catholic faith. The “best” religion, as Davis said. His parents taught him that evolution is just a theory, and to follow the teachings of the bible, but only the New Testament.

I asked Davis if he found Ithaca to be a liberal town in a governmental sense in addition to socially, and he said it depends on how you look at it. “It’s still mostly white,” Davis said, not wishing to insinuate anything, just “putting it out there.” He also criticized the local police for not responding adequately to the theft of his lawn signs.

He did say the people of Ithaca can occasionally be “foolishly liberal.” “A lot of young people think they know what they’re talking about, because they’re in school. They haven’t lived in the real world yet, so they can be pretty closed-minded about things that way.”

Regarding his real life experience, Davis talked about his job at a local gas station, which he was fired from “because of the recession.” “They said it’s because I stole, but what evidence do they have of that?” I inquired further about there being no evidence. He said there was a video, but it “could have been my money I left in the cash register…before Obama was elected I was never fired for stealing from the gas station.”

Davis touched briefly on his favorite news pundits, Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly, who he feels are being treated unfairly just for “Speaking the truth.” He posed the question of whether Keith Olberman ever cries for his country. I said Olberman does get very passionate on his show, whether or not Davis agrees with him, to which Davis replied that I could just go watch his show and live in “fantasy land” and “pray to Obama,” the “Black King.” I asked if this had anything to do with Obama’s race. He denied having said anything of the sort. I reminded him that I was recording the conversation for my class, and he then accused me of being part of the college liberal elite. He reiterated that I would learn about the real world when I got out of my “Ivory tower.”

I asked if Davis had anything else to say about any other political issues. He said he doesn’t keep up that much with current politics, watching only the occasional Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly.

Ward Davis lives with his wife in Ithaca. He is 26 years old.

As you may have guessed at this point, reader, Ward Davis is not a real person, although there may be people with similar personalities to his, which is what makes this piece such a neat experiment. He is a character created during my interview with fellow comedian and actor Ryan Merriam. After interviewing Ryan as Davis, I talked to him about his acting experience and some of his personal background.

We started by talking about the improvisation process. Improvisation relies on both sides of the conversation, he tells me. You must go into it with good questions in mind that will yield good/funny answers. You have to “have a full character in your head” and “know what they would say.” Exaggeration makes it funny.

Though it’s fairly clear that Merriam does not agree with Ward Davis’ political and social views, I wanted to get some specific answers about his beliefs. He said that he is very “middle of the road” politically, and that “both sides have their crazy people and their stupid people.

“Never underestimate how many stupid people there are. People on left are just as crazy in different ways. It comes from ignorance, which is easy to play,” he said, regarding his portrayal of Davis. “For every person against gay marriage, there’s also someone who thinks gay marriage should be mandatory so we can produce multi-ethnic half gay hybrids of humanity who will only drink the purest water.

He thinks the real problem is that nobody listens to each other. They panic and overcompensate. “It’s hard to get anything done when everyone’s screaming and panicking. But it would also be a shame if there was no one to mock. Like I said, I’m very middle of the road,” he said, at which we both laughed jovially.

Merriam has been acting since he was a kid, starting when he was in first or second grade, playing one of the lost boys in Peter Pan at The Hill Boarding School in Pottstown, where his family moved from Philadelphia when he was 6 months old because his father began teaching theater there (Merriam would later attend high school at Hill). He said he had seen a lot of shows by that time, and loved the “whole experience” of theater; the creative elements, and getting to pretend and have people pay attention to it.

Non-creative aspects of school were never his strong suit or interest. “I’ve never had a science class I didn’t almost fail.” He said it was a combination of inaptitude and indifference – “I’m only ok at science, so I don’t like it, so I become worse at science.”
Regarding Pottstown, he said it was “strange to be there,” his own family being “neither poor nor rich,” meanwhile, “one side of street was rich kids sent to boarding school, the other side people drinking malt liquor…I like to think of myself as both.”

With a major in drama focusing on playwriting and directing, and minors in both writing and English, Merriam plans to break more into live performance and eventually television, both with theater and with standup, his other passion.

His inspiration to do standup comes from years of watching professional comedians on TV with his dad, and going along on his father’s storytelling gigs. Merriam said he enjoys acting because of the feeling of control, and that standup is the ultimate control, because the standup comic is writer, actor, and director all at once.

His standup is “influenced by older guys,” like Jim Gaffifan, Jerry Seinfeld (he grew up watching Seinfeld), and Marc Maron, who talks a lot about his life and “personal stuff,” which is more what Ryan does. He says he listens to pretty much everything, from Larry the Cable Guy and Dane Cook to classics like George Carlin and Steve Martin. “Even if you don’t like the content, it’s interesting to listen to someone who’s really good at what they do.”

Merriam also has been a musician for some time, playing saxophone in his high school band. He told me about his band teacher, Mr. Beard, who didn’t have a Beard.

We closed by talking about Merriam’s family, who he said is always very supportive of his goals. “They’re only a little concerned” about what he says are his unrealistic goals. “They’re just a little worried about how long they’re going to have to lend me money.”

[1] Davis literally said nothing between these two thoughts.

-Joe

Thanks for reading. Please click on the links at my hubpages page http://hubpages.com/hub/Profile-of-an-Ultra-Conservative. You don't have to buy anything, I just get money when you click them. Awesome, right?

Also, make sure you check out the interview the three of us did with Eugene Mirman for Max's podcast, Another Comedy Show (one post down).

Also, check out Ryan's latest youtube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfrPn2cgyZA

Interview with Eugene Mirman!

2010-02-19T20:58:00.002-05:00

Ryan and Joe and I were lucky enough to interview comedian Eugene Mirman (yeah, the creepy landlord from Flight of the Conchords [more importantly, a fantastic stand up comedian whose third album was just released]). It was very nice of him to appear on Another Comedy Show. Topics include his most recent album (God Is A Twelve Year Old Boy With Aspergers), his book "The Will to Whatevs" and his experiences touring with the Comedians of Comedy.

Check out the interview. You'll be glad you did.

The show is also available on iTunes. Subscribe, please. Thanks.

Working Class Douchebag (Revised)

2010-02-08T00:30:00.009-05:00

I made this longer. I'm sorry.
_____________________________________________________________________

A lot of people wish John Lennon was still alive, but I’m not so sure. I guess I appreciate that he pissed off the government so much. That’s pretty cool. But what bothers me is that he cared so much. He cared to an upsetting degree. About everything. It would get exhausting to have him around now. If you think Brad Pitt and George Clooney are annoying, just take a minute to imagine (pardon the allusion) 21st century John Lennon. He would probably do a lot of stuff with Bono. Yeah. I know it stings. But you know he’d be right up there with that smug, activist motherfucker guilting you into sending money to Africa.

Space Age John Lennon would also be on Twitter. That’s right. Don’t hide from it. He would have a twitter account and he would update it every 5 minutes from his Blackberry. And in addition to his political whining and preaching, I’m sure John would include plenty of posts along the lines of “I don’t like this season of 'Lost' as much as the last one” and “Yoko wants me to do the dishes. Lame! LOL”

He would probably have kept writing whiny songs about Paul McCartney*, and he would record videos of himself playing them in his basement on his Macbook and post them on his youtube page (which he signed up for to keep in touch with his fans and get more “involved”…blech) and angsty 9-year-olds would post “hoo is dis old fag?wat a bloody vaginea niger cunt ball.”

When you put John Lennon in the context of the 21st century, the possibility of his having lived this long doesn’t seem so attractive anymore. Just let it go, folks. Lennon died exactly when he needed to. That is, he died at the optimal moment so that he could remain a hero and not cause his fans any further disappointment. And for that matter, stop wishing Kurt Cobain hadn't died, too. I know you say that now, but you would feel differently if he had lived long enough to create the first Nirvana Christmas album, and to devolve into the Eric Clapton, Eagles realm of PBS specials, playing a mellowed out, acoustic version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" every night for fat 40-year-olds. And I'm sure his public feuds with Jack White and John Mayer about whose music was the most "real" would be equally upsetting.

Let's look to the comedy world for another example. There's little debate that Andy Kaufman was a comedic and artistic genius beyond anyone's wildest imaginations. No one had ever seen anything like him, and it's likely that no one ever will again. Of course, he died young, after having been active only about 10 years, only slightly longer than the Beatles. But again, even though the fact that he died makes me sad, I would argue that we're better off this way. Be thankful that Andy Kaufman didn't stick around long enough to work with Disney. I would respect the man no matter what, and I love Disney, but I'm really glad I never had to see "Disney's Friendly Rat Adventure" starring Andy Kaufman, which he would have filmed between seasons of his critically-acclaimed ABC sitcom "Hot Wife, Wacky Life." Look no further than Steve Martin for proof of this. If you don't know what I mean, just wait until "Cheaper By The Dozen 3" hits theaters. Just fuckin' wait.

If John Lennon hadn't died, then George Harrison probably wouldn't have died either - don't ask me why (I give up, I can't avoid speaking in Beatles lyrics), that's just how these things work - and then we all know what would have happened. The Beatles would get the Guns N' Roses syndrome. Paul, George, and Ringo would start a new band together, and John Lennon would re-form the Beatles with an entirely new lineup and hide away for 15 years recording some epic mystery album, only for us to hear it and say "I guess it's good, but I wish the other guys were in it."

John Lennon would not have been able to handle the modern world, and we would not have been able to handle him.

*John Lennon accused Paul McCartney of not carrying his weight (sorry, last Beatles reference, I promise) in a song called “How Do You Sleep?” Funnily enough, Lennon died first.

Look at them, the old fucks. By the way, if you never hear from me again, it's probably because I was arrested and sued for the staggering multitude of copyright infringements in this image.

-Joe

Time Ravel

2010-02-06T02:23:00.011-05:00

I have found that almost every science fiction piece that deals with future technology fails to incorporate commercialism and marketing. I don’t know how they manage to leave it out, as it so permeates our society, and has for so long. I’m not sure why people think it will disappear.

Back to the Future Part II came pretty close to getting it right, when Marty travels to 2015. The Jaws 19 ad with the shark hologram that seems like it’s going to eat Marty, the equally intrusive flying car ad on the talking billboard, the dehydrated pizza with a Pizza Hut logo on the wrapper, the “Café ‘80s.” They sure pulled that one out of their asses. Beside the fact that as we begin 2010 it doesn’t seem like we’re going to get flying cars and 15 more sequels to Jaws in the next five years, the idea that new technology would be coupled with obnoxious, invasive advertising is more likely than the possible realities created by other science fiction stories. In fact, just a few weeks ago this outdoor flatscreen TV told me to buy things while I was at a gas station.

I half expected Goldie Wilson III to come on the screen and try to sell me a Skyway Flyer.

Nowhere in Star Trek can I find any reference to commercialism. There are very few markings on the Enterprise giving us any sort of hint as to who made it. The food seems to be mostly freeze-dried, but no distribution companies are mentioned. The closest thing to a company in Star Trek is the Federation, and somehow they seem to hold absolutely everything together with relative ease. In the Next Generation episode where they travel back in time and meet Mark Twain, a conversation between Twain and Counselor Troi reveals that all suffering and class systems have been eliminated on Earth (thank god I can’t name the title, number or stardate of the episode). Bullshit. It’s implausible. Besides, the human race will never be a part of something so noble and pure.

Take Rosie from The Jetsons. No brand anywhere. And who built all of those raised houses? And what about their flying cars? Who sold them the “crazy thing” that George Jetson wanted Jane, his wife, to “stop”?

Star Wars. What companies make the ships? They just seem to have them. It’s like they’re a bunch of different tribes who make their own weapons, but their weapons are huge multi-functional starships and laser guns. And the ships seem to have all the important parts right on the outside. One hit and you’re fucked. They somehow manage to always hit the shield generator, even when the shield is already up. In fact, you need a little robot sitting on the outside to constantly fix the damn thing. And it doesn’t come with the ship. Each sold separately. I refuse to believe there’s no commercial bullshit going on there.

Think about some of the things we have today that people of the past could only dream of. High-functioning personal computers. Cell phones with Internet access. A GPS that can tell you where to go, where you are, where you were, and if you go the wrong way. But these things aren’t perfect by any means; you complain about them every day. And they didn’t come out of nowhere, either. They're not god-given advantages of evolution. You paid your dues to Mac, Dell, HP, Verizon, Motorola, and Garmin. You have to call up these masters of modern technology because the stuff gets outdated. It malfunctions, it breaks, it needs new maps, it needs a new processor, a new hard drive, a new mouse, a new keyboard, and every year or so, a whole new system altogether, because the stuff is designed not to last so you have to buy the next one.

This is no secret, but for some reason people think the advertising bullshit that has been around since the beginning of time will just disappear at some point. I’m sure that as soon as early humans figured out how to sharpen a stick, some business-savvy caveman figured out how to make a lot of them, and would trade them for food, or two minutes behind a rock with some poor, dumb, prototherian consumer’s cave-wife. He’d make it worth their while: “You very busy. You must hunt and fuck. Me make stick for you. Best stick in Pangaea. Me give you good deal.”

-Joe

P.S. Check out this post on hubpages. If you click the ads I get money! And you don't even have to buy anything.

Alfred University Show

2010-01-28T09:36:00.003-05:00

If anyone reading this is anywhere near Alfred, NY or will be on April 9th of this year, Ryan and I will be performing, probably both together and separately, along with Max Barth at Alfred University. We're guessing it will be mostly Alfred University students if anyone, but just on the off chance people are hanging around Alfred in April, thought we'd let you know. Thanks.

-Joe

Milton & The Duke on online radio

2010-01-25T15:12:00.002-05:00

Episode 1 of Milton & The Duke: Seems Like The Truth is replaying tonight on http://geturgeekonradio.com/ at 6:30.

Stand-down

2010-01-17T10:34:00.004-05:00

You know, back when standup was beginning, comedians would actually tell jokes, like,

"'Do not board train while moving?' Lemme ask you something: If I'm moving as fast as a train, why would I even need to get on the train? Hohoho. What can I say? IIIIIIIII'm WACKY!"

But now we tell jokes about telling jokes, like what I just did. Judging by this trend, I predict that in 30 years, comedians will joke about what I'm doing now - joking about joking about joking. It will sound something like this:

"Remember thirty years ago when comedians would be like, 'Remember thirty years ago when comedians would tell jokes like, ""'Do not board train while moving?' Lemme ask you something: If I'm moving as fast as a train, why would I even need to get on the train? Hohoho. What can I say? IIIIIIIII'm WACKY!""'? And they were all like "Look at me, I'm so forward thinking and post-modern. I'm part of a historical artistic transition period." How lame was that?"

-Joe

Vote for Protocol!

2010-01-13T12:30:00.002-05:00

My band is in another contest on this site. We're in the quarter finals. This time we could win $100. Help us out by voting at least once. Thanks!

-Joe

DON'T KILL YOURSELF (YET) - 7 GREAT THINGS TO WAIT FOR

2010-01-12T22:02:00.001-05:00

by Max Barth!!!!

So we are already twelve days into the decade. Some of you may already be thinking “screw this”. The economy is in the tank, Tiger Woods is human, the Pax Americana is no more …what is this, opposite land?

If you aren’t as excited about the chance to eventually talk about the “roaring-robot twenties” as I am, here are a few additional reasons to put the noose back in your sad little closet:

An Arrested Development Movie

Long rumored, oft denied – the feature film adaptation of the best thing ever cancelled [save the 2000 election recount] is now officially in the works. If you haven’t seen the show, watch it… including the truncated third season where the meta-genius of creator Mitch Horowitz reaches its peak. Unfortunately “live” episodes, celebrity guests and narrator Ron Howard’s constant “please tell your friends about this show”’s were not enough to keep it on the air.

If you can keep it together for a year or so, you’ll be able to sit in a theater and hear a theme song played on a ukelele, followed by (probably) understated jibes about everything that has happened in the past few years. Obama, Michael Jackson…and those are just the ones grouped by race!

The Kids From “John and Kate” Grow Into Awful, Awful People

I don’t watch the show, but I did some research. The “twins” (who…O.M.G…share my birthday!) will be sixteen in 2016. Teenage angst + money + younger sextuplets = eight mugshots and a lot of burning cars. Assuming one or two or six of them has kids at the age of 15, we’re talking exponential growth. Like a virus. I don’t like this show.

Jack White’s Musical Exploits

He’s formed three bands – The White Stripes, The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather – in thirteen years. That means by 2036 he’ll be in nine bands. Not bad for a 60 year old.

Austin Powers 4*

This is a shot in the dark, but here’s hoping the usually funny Mike Meyers will be able to overcome whatever bout of mental illness caused him to write, star in and pretend to like The Love Guru. Apparently a script is being written, focusing on the Dr.Evil/Lorne Michaels character. With some careful casting a la Michael Cane in Goldmember, the fourth installment in the franchise might actually be good.

Global Warming Business Opportunities

Snorkels, flippers, dive gear, raft construction, post-apocolyptic warlord/feudal peasant…you’ve got options. Also, how totally ironic will it be when you whip out your Inconvenient Truth DVD over the campfire shortly before your road-weary gang/family/caravan/harem is overrun by cannibals?

Andy Kaufman Comes Back

Here’s the story: it’s 2030, and a sentient Compaq Presario 9000 claims to have used lasers to locate one Marge F. Pinklewhistle, an old Puerto Rican woman who is quickly revealed to be none other than entertainer Andy Kaufman. Once the lasers cut off his intricate disguise-bioflesh, he will return to performing in robobrothels throughout the Empire. And he’ll get laughs.

Society (the Bible Belt) Finally Comes Around

Gay marriage, legalized marijuana. Hopefully legalized gay marijuana, too.

*If this is your only reason to stay alive…well, maybe reconsider. I wouldn’t want anyone to wait around three years for Master of Disguise 2.

Kitten Tits

2009-12-29T01:09:00.006-05:00

Dear friends,

I apologize for the few-and-far-between posts lately. I guess that's our schedule of "writing whatever we want whenever we want" slightly backfiring. But this way you get half-decent material some of the time as opposed to shitty material all the time. Get over it. Here's a thing. Enjoy it. I have more stuff written I'll post over the next few days.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

I’ve come to question some of the popular complaints about the portrayal of women in the media. Of course, I’m a white man, so I must issue the standard disclaimer – no, I do not have anything against women or women’s rights. I do not believe that the right to vote and the right to work have ended all woes. I’m glad we have a female secretary of state, although I’m relieved she is not the president (not because she’s a woman, just because she sucks). And I will not ask you to make me a sandwich. But, as is customary in American society, this argument about the negative portrayal of women in the media has gone so far that it neglects to acknowledge its flaws, and forgets that the goal is equality, not reverse inequality. Even white, male, heteronormative oppressors need a voice, and I am here to provide.

One of the most popular claims about women in the media is that women are pressured to look a certain way and act a certain way to please men. I do not deny this. However, find me one of the people who go around saying this, and see if they think the same about men. My guess is no. Sure, I’ve never felt like girls wished I looked more like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. And there is no pressure to act a certain way or buy certain things to make women happy. And I can absolutely relate to the chiseled Adonis with no body hair who prances out of bed in the morning with perfect hair and shaves with a top of the line razor then gets tons of compliments at his office before going out for a beer and hitting on the airhead in the short skirt, as all men do all the time.

Another common theme in the media portrayal argument in which men are ignored is the portrayal of women as housewives, as the ones who clean up after everyone at home and cook all the meals. This assertion is fair enough, but what people neglect to mention is that while the woman does these things, the man is portrayed as not doing them because he is dumb and thoughtless. This image is rampant in sitcoms. “Everybody Loves Raymond” is actually not a complete sentence. It’s really “Everybody Loves Raymond, Even Though He’s Too Dumb To Help His Wife - Who Works So Hard and is Totally Justified in Losing Her Mind Every Episode - Take Care of Their Kids.” In fact, now that you’ve read that, you need never watch the show.

This image is also present in commercials. I saw a commercial for Glade or something along those lines recently, in which a woman got a fancy new automatic air freshener that sprays in intervals according to which setting you choose. There’s your female homemaker stereotype. But then her husband comes home. Now, the air freshener just happens to spray as he walks past it, but he doesn’t know how it works, so he starts jumping around like an idiot in front of it, thinking that it has a motion sensor. He doesn’t know any better; he sits at a computer in an office all day, because that’s all he knows how to do. So his wife comes over with a playful “You stupid asshole” look on her face and shows him how it works, the tone of the scene continuing to be that he doesn’t understand and is silly for not understanding. Should he understand? He was busy all day working, being the drone these media stereotypes have compressed him into; he probably didn’t have time to watch your fuckass commercials.

This is a small one, but it’s just silly when people complain that Victoria’s Secret ads focus on, well, women’s breasts and vaginas. I know your first thought is “He’s a man, he just likes to look at breasts and vaginas.” Well, that’s not what it’s about, so shut the fuck up and read on. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but this company specializes in garments exclusively for the breasts and vagina. You don’t see me complaining about men’s bulges in Hanes commercials. “Wait a minute, other men have dicks, too? That’s disgusting!” I will admit that Victoria’s Secret commercials are overly sexualized, but their products are for women. Why they market to men I cannot explain.

Thanks for reading,
-Joe

P.S. This piece is only so titled because I figure Kittens and Tits are two of the most common things people look for on the Internet.

P.P.S. Check out this post on hubpages. If you click the ads, I get money, and you don't even have to buy anything.

Booker? I barely know 'er.

2009-12-07T14:57:00.005-05:00

I just had the most mind fuckingest series of emails with a comedienne/ booker who shall remain unnamed.

Her: Hey we have 2 8:00 shows available in Dec.
On the 8th and 22nd...
Let me know if you want to do one.

Me: The 22nd is a possibility...how many people would I have to bring?

Her: 10 people
did you bring 10 last show?

Me: I don't think I've done a show with you before

Her: Cool so those are the requirements

Her: let me know if you would like to do the show on the 22nd

Me: I think I should be able to do the 22nd. I'll let you know in advance if it becomes a problem.

Her: sounds good

That was back in November. About a week later, I got this:

SUBJECT: 12/8 8:00 Show

Her: HEY YOU'RE ALL SET FOR THE SHOW.
PLEASE HAVE YOUR FRIENDS CALL 212-367-9000
TO MAKE RESERVATIONS UNDER YOUR NAME.
SEE YOU SOON.

Me: I actually booked December 22, not the 8th.

Her: no problem

It was actually a big problem. Today, this shit show began:

Again the subject was 12/8 8:00 Show

Her: HEY PLEASE HAVE YOUR FRIENDS CALL 212-367-9000 TO MAKE RESERVATIONS ASAP

Me: Ok. Just to be sure, I signed up for the December 22nd show, not the 8th.

Her: im very confused didnt you say the other day you were doing the 8th?
have to check my emails

Me: No it was definitely always the 22nd. Does that still work?

Her: Yes no prob
Can u do the 23rd 8:00 show?

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Me: The 22nd is what you told me originally. I have people set to come see me on the 22nd. I can't promise the 23rd because that's not what I planned for. If you can't put me on the 22nd and can only put me on the 23rd I can contact my guests and get back to you, but it's very likely that the 23rd will be much harder for people to get to, myself included.

Her: No prob
You're all set for the 22nd

Is this what it's like to feel overqualified?

-Joe

Walmart Bless Us! Everyone!

2009-12-06T23:36:00.003-05:00

Internet,

I went to Walmart today because I have a different idea of “fun” than most people. Some people play sports or hang out with friends. I loiter at megamarts.

I was wandering around the store, deciding whether or not to buy the stupidest things I would ever want when all of a sudden, a voice came over the PA.

“Attention Walmart shoppers! Santa will be here until 2pm today! Come and get your free picture with Santa! And as always, thank you for cal..wh…Walmart!”

I ignored the announcer’s inability to say the words “shopping at Walmart.” Santa? I thought. What fun!

I spent the next twenty minutes wandering around the store trying to find where the fuck they had hidden the fat bastard. Until today, I had never known a Santa to be so elusive. But I’d be damned if I gave up so easily.

Eventually, I stumbled across him. And I wish I had not.

Santa, a thinish man, wearing the least realistic beard I had ever seen, sat, completely alone next to the candy aisle. He watched sadly was children wandered by without making eye contact. Next to him, a pile of clearance foot baths sat, unsold.

Walmart, I appreciate what you were trying to do. But I really wish you hadn’t bothered. You managed to turn Santa into a depressant. I was feeling so good and now I just feel dirty and a little sad. Which is how I always feel when I leave Walmart.

Please, don’t get your Walmart stink all over my Christmas spirit.

Sincerely,

Ryan Merriam

Another Comedy Show w/ Dan Cummins!

2009-12-02T10:24:00.001-05:00

Check out comedian Dan Cummins, who we recently interviewed for Another Comedy Show. Dan has a new album out, a new one-hour special coming out soon, and he just performed on Conan. So. Check out the podcast. Topics include his experiences on Conan, Last Comic Standing, touring, starting stand up, etc.

In particular his story about his worst show ever is fantastic. So check out the podcast, (episode 5), or search for “Another Comedy Show” on iTunes. Subscribin’ would be cool too, if you are a cool person.

Joe Messina at StandUp NY 11/25/09

2009-11-30T02:17:00.001-05:00

Did a thing. Here's the vid. Check it.

Love,
Joe

Shampoozled

2009-11-22T23:49:00.000-05:00

On the back of my shampoo bottle: "The right tool to thoroughly clean and remove buildup - for less than the more expensive brands." That's the unique thing about our shampoo. It's less expensive than things that are more expensive than it.

-Joe

Polar Bear Bullshit Bonanza

2009-11-11T00:58:00.004-05:00

Polar Bear Empathy Day. That’s the name of a real thing.

I worked at a day camp the past few summers, and this year, once a session (there are four two-week sessions per summer), we had Polar Bear Empathy Day, during which some people came and talked to the kids about energy conservation and what they could do to save the polar bears. It sounds harmless enough, but once again, I know better, so listen to me.

Now, one of the first things these people who are so concerned about health and humanity do is put heavy coats on a bunch of the kids, and then say, “This is how the polar bears feel!” I’m thinking of adding this to my book entitled “Things that are Good to do with Children When it’s 80 Degrees Outside.” One time, when they went around for questions, all this one kid wanted to know was “Do we have to keep the coats on?” Interesting, because I was wondering the same thing, as well as the reason why the camp director or nurse didn’t step in and express why this was a horrific idea.

After they’ve wrapped down jackets around children in the middle of July, the misled, angry hippie brigade then tries to make a point of how the ice is melting in polar bears’ habitats. How do they make this point? Well, they pull out a PLASTIC BAG full of ICE (which is made of water, the essence of life, mind you), rip it open, and dump the ice out on the outdoor stage. Throughout the remainder of the presentation, the ice – you guessed it – melts. Surely the best way to help children understand why the ice is melting in the coldest places in the world is to show them ice melting on a hot summer day in Connecticut. And driving your car to the store to buy a plastic bag full of ice that you’re just going to throw away is of course consistent with the goal of saving energy and reducing waste.

There was one point where a bunch of kids were just holding branches. I didn’t really understand that. However, what I do know is that branches grow on trees, and in order to obtain a branch, one must sever it from its respective tree.

They also had some kids “suck up carbon emissions” with straws. I don’t really know what to say about this one, except that this wastes even more plastic, and that there is a basic biology lesson that every one of these kids is going to have to relearn now, which is that human beings and other animals breathe oxygen, not carbon dioxide, so even if sucking up carbon emissions were a good idea (which it isn’t, by the way), it’s literally impossible.

I worked with 6 and 7 year olds for the first two sessions, and I worked with 9 and 10 year olds for the second two sessions, so I’ve seen this seminar from two different perspectives. It’s interesting, because the little kids don’t understand very much of it. They mostly expect you to be impressed when they figure out that “Polar Paulie” the polar bear is a person in a costume and not an actual polar bear. I say “Hey, guess what, kid, no one thinks your special. Go eat some red 40 and corn syrup and shut the fuck up you stupid piece of shit.”

But the older kids are better at seeing through the bullshit.
Example: they tell the kids how to reduce their carbon emissions, and they talk about carbon footprints, but they don’t connect any of it or explain terms like “carbon footprint,” or other things their 5-12 audience may not fully grasp at this point in their lives. Near the end of the presentation, they say, “If you do all of these things, you can reduce your carbon footprint from this (cue child holding a giant, green CARDBOARD foot) to this (cue child holding a smaller green cardboard foot).” It occurred to me that children might not understand what that means, so I turned to one of my campers and asked him if he knew what a carbon footprint was. Sure enough, he said he didn’t know, so I gave him a basic explanation, and it wasn’t too hard for him to understand. “Why don’t they just tell us that?” he queried. I don’t know, ten year old whose logic is sounder than that of a powerful corporation, I don’t know.

By the way, it’s important to note that the polar bear people are sent by the area oil company. The main purpose of the presentation they do at the camp is to get pictures of all the kids with Polar Paulie to put on their website, so that they can create the illusion that they care and that it’s not just another oil company that doesn’t give a shit what gets in its way.

Fuck Kings of Leon

2009-11-11T00:36:00.000-05:00

Fuck them.

Protocol

2009-11-08T02:18:00.005-05:00

Hey, people who read the blog, thanks for reading the blog. More comedy on the way, but right now, I have an unrelated request. My band Protocol is in this contest, and we need votes to win! You can vote for us here. You have to register for the site to vote, but it's free and nothing else is expected of you. Thanks so much.

-Joe

Bands that aren't the bands you (or they) think they are

2009-10-28T23:19:00.006-04:00

The list is upsettingly long. Here it goes:

Bands in which only one original member is participating, yet they go by the same name:
1. Guns N' Roses
2. Journey
3. Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. Wolfmother
5. Styx
6. Yes
7. Foreigner
8. Boston
9. Evanescence
10. Fleetwood Mac
11. Ratt
12. Reel Big Fish
13. King Crimson
14. Smashing Pumpkins
15. Megadeth
16. Whitesnake
17. The Guess Who
18. Steppenwolf
19. REO Speedwagon
20. Foghat
21. Iced Earth

Bands in which only two original members are participating, yet they go by the same name:
1. The Who
2. America
3. The Beach Boys
4. Queen
5. Warrant
6. Foo Fighters
7. KISS
8. Eagles
9. Manowar
10. Skid Row
11. Great White
12. Melvins
13. Jethro Tull

Bands with lead singers who aren't original members:
1. Journey
2. Skid Row
3. Lynyrd Skynyrd
4. AC/DC (they are excused, because they put out Back in Black with their replacement singer)
5. Alice in Chains
6. Queen
7. Warrant
8. Foreigner
9. Sublime
10. Boston
11. King Crimson
12. Sex Pistols
13. Foghat
14. REO Speedwagon
15. Reagan Youth
16. Iced Earth

Bands with NO ORIGINAL MEMBERS:
1. Kansas
2. Deep Purple
4. Napalm Death
5. Jefferson Starship
3. Cat Stevens (HAHA)

Bands that contain most or all of the members of a preexisting band but go by a different name
1. The Foxboro Hot Tubs
2. +44
3. Box Car Racer
4. Angels and Airwaves
5. Arthur
6. The Cootees

Let me know if I forgot any bands that aren't the bands they are.

-Joe

Put that in your comedy act and joke it

2009-10-25T03:14:00.006-04:00

Wow, there are so many bad jokes in the title of this post that I'll be surprised if you believe any of the rest of it. Anyway, I've had a few adventures the past couple of weeks that I would like to share with anyone who still reads this blog (I haven't seen any comments in a while, but the viewer count continues to increase, so I'm going to act as if at least a few of those people are actually paying some level of attention to what we put up here).

I performed at Caroline's on Broadway again on Wednesday, October 14th (You can see the video a few posts down). It was my first time doing a full ten minute set. I was really nervous, but it ended up going really well. Dan Nainan, one of the pros on the show, gave me his business card. And a few days later, Sheba Mason, another pro comedian who books amateurs and pros in NY invited me to do a showcase at Standup New York on October 23rd (Last Friday). After that, she said that doing that show will get me a guest spot on one of her shows, meaning I'm a step above amateur (and I'm not required to bring 10 people to each show!). I guess I'm not so bad at this.

I'll get the video of the NY Comedy Club show up soon.

Thanks for the support. Keep watchin'.

-Joe

Joe Messina at Caroline's 10.14.09 pt. 1/2

2009-10-17T01:19:00.001-04:00

My set at Caroline's. Be sure to watch part 2!

-Joe

i can haz jeenyus?

2009-10-12T02:52:00.002-04:00

They say a genius never thinks he's a genius. But then, would not thinking he's a genius automatically make him a genius? And, conversely, would thinking he was a genius automatically make him a non-genius? I'm concerned about these sorts of things.

For the feminists: They say a genius never thinks she's a genius. But then, would not thinking she's a genius automatically make her a genius? And, conversely, would thinking she was a genius automatically make her a non-genius? I'm concerned about these sorts of things, for women's sake.

-Joe

Psyche-ology

2009-10-11T01:49:00.004-04:00

If something bad happens to someone else in public and you're not sure how to react, don't worry, it was probably staged for a psychology experiment.

I have a (boring) dream...

2009-10-08T10:10:00.003-04:00

I had a boring dream last night.
Like, I woke up yawning and wanting to get outside and meet new people and maybe learn Swahili on Rosetta Stone. (That’s what I do when I’m bored.)

I was staring at a lawnmower (this is the dream, now) and it was blue. Even the blades.

That’s FUCKING IT! Done. The dream fairies totally phoned that one in. They took the night off to go sing Wolfmother songs at a Karaoke bar.

…even THAT would have been a better dream! Winged dream-pixies singing “woman! woman!” at some filthy place in Minneapolis (which means, in Greek*, “city of mini love”).

So now I’m upset at god (lower-case, motherfuckers!) for his total lack of oversight concerning my night visions. What does a blue lawnmower even MEAN? It’s like someone took the most boring person alive, hid a dream-catcher in the ceiling tile above their stained futon and then emptied their dreams (or lack there-of) into MY face. At night. When I least expected it.

I’m going to go around today and mention strange things in passing so as to trick my brain into dreaming about them. By the way, Queen Victoria ice-skating. RIGHT? RIGHT?

*Ancient Greek Rosetta Stone. What a good thing to spend money on.

-Max

(by the way, you can read the EXACT SAME thing [and more] at maxbarth.tumblr.com [you're welcome?])

2009-09-25T00:25:00.010-04:00

I would like to share with you the actual front page headline of the most recent issue of our school's newspaper. Bear in mind, if you will, that this paper has received more awards than I can possibly begin to list here. You can read about them here if you are so inclined.

The headline is printed as follows: "What went wrong?
High acceptance rate may have been key factor in the college’s unique over-enrollment problem."

No fucking way. If you tell more people that want to come here that they can come here, more of them will come here? I don't know about that. Give people money to research it.

The article goes on to say that our school is alone in this problem. No other school has such a problem with over-enrollment this year. "This is weird," the SENIOR WRITER continues, "and I wonder why? Just like other schools, this year ours issued a small increase in tuition and student aid, and "enhanced recruitment strategies" (this means they whored themselves to high schools because they were down on their recruitment last year). But despite the sameness with which we did shit, there's a fuckin' ballsload more of students here now."

YOUR ANSWER IS IN YOUR OWN FUCKING HEADLINE. YOU NEED NOT HAVE EVEN WRITTEN THIS ARTICLE.

I may have paraphrased some of that. But essentially, an institution that creates a standard of excellence and constantly tells people like me that we don't live up to it gave someone front page space to say "There be more people at the place."

Dicks, pussies, and assholes,
-Joe

Livin' on the Edge

2009-09-22T01:52:00.004-04:00

There is a phrase you might see on a bumper sticker, or some other such medium through which atrocious pseudo-wisdom is expressed, and that phrase is “If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.” The edge of what? Society? Insanity? The country? Are they urging people to move to the coast? I was under the impression that the coastal states were more crowded than the inland ones.

But the edge isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes you want to take the edge off. Just get rid of it entirely. Then no one’s pressuring you to go there. You don’t want to be on edge. Of course, don’t edge down too far. You wouldn’t want to lack a certain edge.

In fact, you want to be cutting edge. That kind of edge is always good. Cutting edge – it’s like you make the edge yourself. It’s your edge. And if you have your own edge, now you're edgy. If you’re cutting edge, no one else can be cutting edge. Fuck them, they can find their own edge to cut.

But whatever edge they’re referring to, this is a stupid idea. As this turn of phrase is not directed at any specific people, just a general “you,” this means they’re saying that everyone should live on the edge. But if we’re all on the edge, won’t there not be enough space on the edge? Now we have the same problem. But now it’s even worse, because we’re on the edge. We might all fall off! I believe this is the problem they’re having in China.

No, trust me, folks, some people belong in the middle. We can’t all be on the edge. For instance, we need some people to sit and think of awful trite bullshit to put on bumper stickers so that people like me can tear them apart on the Internet. That’s the way the world works.

-Joe

Me Too!

2009-09-18T00:39:00.002-04:00

Hey internet!
I did a thing too!

Hope you like it!
And don't forget to watch Joe's, one post down.

<3<3<3,
Ryan

Joe IC Stand Up 9 17 09

2009-09-17T22:48:00.002-04:00

Caroline's on Broadway, Ithaca College student center - what's the difference?

[Guest Blogger: Max is Funny]

2009-09-15T12:31:00.002-04:00

I wonder if Socrates' pupils ever pretended to have done the reading. How often did a young Athenian show up for a lecture, sit on a stone bench (or whatever) and bullshit his way through a conversation about virtue?
“Any thoughs, Echinothepicusriadnae?”
“Oh? ...I mean, I agree with Pooptooturus”

Thinking C(r)ap

2009-09-14T21:33:00.004-04:00

When you were in school as a kid, and your teacher told you to “put on your thinking cap,” did you imagine actually pulling out some sort of hat that was specially designed for thought? I did. Mine was always a big, boxy, metal, sciencey-looking thing with lots of wires and lights and shit. I imagined it kind of like Doc Brown's thought-reading machine from Back to the Future. Of course, that was one of his inventions that never worked. Maybe that explains my grades. Fuckin’ shotty thinking cap.

-Joe

Working Class Douchebag

2009-09-12T19:05:00.009-04:00

A lot of people wish John Lennon was still alive, but I’m not so sure. I guess I appreciate that he pissed off the government so much. That’s pretty cool. But what bothers me is that he cared so much. He cared to an upsetting degree. About everything. It would get exhausting to have him around now. If you think Brad Pitt and George Clooney are annoying, just take a minute to imagine (pardon the allusion) 21st century John Lennon. He would probably do a lot of stuff with Bono. Yeah. I know it stings. But you know he’d be right up there with that smug, activist motherfucker guilting you into sending money to Africa.

Space Age John Lennon would also be on Twitter. That’s right. Don’t hide from it. He would have a twitter account and he would update it every 5 minutes from his Blackberry. And in addition to his political whining and preaching, I’m sure John would include plenty of posts along the lines of “I don’t like this season of “Lost” as much as the last one” and “Yoko wants me to do the dishes. Lame! LOL”

He would probably have kept writing whiny songs about Paul McCartney*, and he would record videos of himself playing them in his basement on his Macbook and post them on his youtube page (which he signed up for to keep in touch with his fans and get more “involved”…blech) and angsty 9-year-olds would post “hoo is dis old fag?wat a bloody vaginea niger cunt ball.”

When you put John Lennon in the context of the 21st century, the possibility of his having lived this long doesn’t seem so attractive anymore. Just let it go, folks. Lennon died exactly when he needed to. That is, he died at the optimal moment so that he could remain a hero and not cause his fans any further disappointment. And for that matter, stop wishing Kurt Cobain hadn't died, too. I know you say that now, but you would feel differently if he had lived long enough to create the first Nirvana concept album, and to devolve into the Eric Clapton, Eagles realm of PBS specials, playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" every night for fat 40-year-olds. And I'm sure his public feuds with Jack White and John Mayer about whose music was the most "real" would be equally upsetting.

If John Lennon hadn't died, then George Harrison probably wouldn't have died either - don't ask me why***, that's just how these things work - and then we all know what would have happened. Paul, George, and Ringo would start a new band together, and John Lennon would reform the Beatles with an entirely new lineup and hide away for 15 years recording some epic mystery album, only for us to hear it and say "I guess it's good, but I wish the other guys were in it."

John Lennon would not have been able to handle the modern world, and we would not have been able to handle him.

*John Lennon wrote a song called “How Do You Sleep?” about Paul McCartney. Well, they were friends, so John accused Paul of not carrying his weight** in the Beatles, and taking credit for John’s work. You know, I wonder how John Lennon sleeps these days.

**Clearly it's impossible not to speak in Beatles lyrics.

***God dammit!

Look at them, the old fucks. By the way, if you never hear from me again, it's probably because I was arrested and sued for the staggering multitude of copyright infringements in this image.

-Joe

A Business Proposal

2009-09-11T02:38:00.003-04:00

Internets,
I have decided to leave the comedy game.
I discovered my true passion: novelty mugs.
This might shock some of you, but it has always been a passion of mine.
To make my dreams come true, I will need some funding.
I have made a video to attract potential investors.
Please watch and tell me what you think.

I love most of you,
Ryan

Another Comedy Show

2009-09-01T11:11:00.007-04:00

If you stalk me, Joe Messina or even Ryan Merriam (yes, that guy!) you may already know about Another Comedy Show, the podcast I host with the aid of the guys I just mentioned who are not me.

We've been putting out episodes left and right (and left and right again....four episodes so far, in two months). The episodes, which run around thirty minutes (earth time) and are funnier than parenthetical "jokes" (I guess), usually involve a special guest and a bucketfull of baby owls stuffed with music.

(These owls are literally full of music. Don't ask how we get it out. Or put it in. Know that it works.)

In other words, it's a great show, with very funny guests, bits, sketches, riffs and nuggets.

Check it out here. A new episode was just released that features comedian Vinnie Pagano, who operates throughout New York City as of this writing. The episode before that features comedian Sean Wilkinson, a Boston-based comic who recently performed at the prestigous Boston Comedy Festival (also Boston-based).

Apparently, I've always been a douchebag

2009-08-31T19:41:00.004-04:00

Hello, friends. I was "doing" homework and I came across a project I did for my 12th grade pre-calculus class - yes I did pre-calc senior year, suck my ass - and it turns out I was a sarcastic bastard well before Milton & The Duke even existed. The assignment was to come up with a financial goal and calculate how much money to put away every year with a 7% interest rate to reach the goal by a certain age. Or something like that. And of course, I chose to write my essay in the style of Joe Messina. Here it is:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IV: Applying the Magic of Compound Interest
My hypothetical long-term financial goal is $12,000.00 by age 55, which seems rather small, and the reason for that is I did not realize its minuteness until I had done all of the math. Not wanting to go back and redo the whole thing, I decided to bank (pardon the pun) on my project being judged based on the correctness of my mathematical process, and not by my ability estimate a number that won’t be relevant until thirty-seven years from now (I can do addition too!).
But I digress. Now, I chose this goal based on the following: I do not, under any circumstances, plan to be able to deposit money while I am in college. I plan to graduate college in 2011, when I will be 22. I started the deposits at age 25, assuming I will have acquired some level of financial independence and stability by that time. I added $500 each year (hence my small “goal” amount) until age 55, when the amount will reach approximately $12,078.44. I believe, with my 18 years of sheltered, slightly ignorant life experience, that even with life’s other expenses (mortgage, car, credit card bills, children), assuming one has a decent steady job, $500 every five years is not a terribly difficult endeavor.
If the annuity were 1% higher, I don’t think it would affect my deposits much, seeing as even the 7% annuity brought me slightly above my bijou, obscure goal. But, for the sake of, well, doing more math, the new total with the 8% annuity is $15,109.56. All I can conclude from this one is that an 8% annuity is more desirable than a 7% annuity. Indeed, more money is better than less money.

V: Reflection
This project has given me an idea, if not a completely realistic representation, of the difficulties involved with handling finances. There are many things to consider, and everyone’s situation is different. For instance, there was Austin, who started right out of college and apparently had no troubles depositing $1000 every year, and then there was Chris, who chose to wait ten years to begin, but because of the other expenses he faced in life, was forced to wait yet another five years after that.
Obviously a 12% annuity or even a 7% annuity would be extraordinarily difficult to find in real life. I suppose this just means that life is actually even harder than this project lets on. Nevertheless, although this project has presented me with a quixotic, unfeasible life scenario, it was refreshing to receive an assignment that bears some kernel of relevance to real life, and is something I may actually be able to use someday. Thusly, this project has satisfied that immortal cry of the American student: “When are we ever gonna need this?!” Kudos, Mrs. Gomez, kudos.
Other than that, I suppose I can say I’ve learned how to calculate interest rates, which is a good thing, because I also learned that I severely overestimate the final account balance before I’ve done the math.

I: The Magic of Compound Interest
Finish the story…
When Austin, Bubba, and Chris turned 51, they met again, as they had planned. “Hey guys!” said Austin, “How goes the saving?” Bubba and Chris looked at each other. “Um, yeah, about that,” Chris said, “we kinda started ten years late…” “Don’t look so sad! “Did you think I would hate you forever or something? Look at this, we have $155,415.52 between us,” said Austin, who is apparently a robot and knew exactly how much money they each had. “Let’s take all our families to Disney World. Five times!!!”
The End
II: The Saga Continues:
Finish the story, again…
Actually, Austin got really angry that Bubba and Chris. He said they should all wait another ten years so that they could catch up with him. When they were all 61, they had $531,864.55 between them. First they traveled the world, and then came home and bought motorcycles, go-carts, snowmobiles, and yachts. And they lived happily ever after.
The End
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My teacher said it was really funny. As I recall, I did well on the assignment.

-Joe

News

2009-08-28T09:30:00.007-04:00

Hello, friends. Ryan, Max, and I are back at school, which means we have returned from our unofficial annual summer hiatus. For those of you who check this site regularly, here's some news about what we've been doing and what we're about to do:

-As many of you already know, we all performed at some pretty fuckin' prestigious comedy clubs this summer. Granted, they were amateur nights, but it still rocked pretty hard and we met some high-ranking people (including Nick DiPaolo, Linda Smith, and Bob DiBuono). Joe did two shows at Caroline's on Broadway and two at Standup NY, Ryan did one at Standup NY and one at Broadway Comedy Club, and Max did one at Standup, one at Comix NY, and one at The Laugh Factory. Watch for updates about our upcoming shows.

-We were all scheduled to perform together at Toquet Hall in Westport, CT, but no one came because it's a lame town full of lame high school emo kids who don't like anything. So it ended up being us singing a few funny songs for 4 of our friends.

-Passion: The Series episode 4 and Seems Like The Truth (podcast) episode 3 are on the way, honest! They should be up soon.

-As some of you know, Ryan, Joe, and Max all write for a sketch comedy show here called DP Show. Max was in the cast last year, and this year we have all joined the cast. Joe is also writing for a fake news show called This Week Tonight. So stay tuned for when these shows become available on the Internet.

Make sure to check the blog and youtube for updates. Enjoy.

-Joe

Ryan Performs at StandUp NY on July 24th

2009-07-22T02:21:00.003-04:00

PS. I performed at StandUp NY on June 24th. Here's the video proof:

Also, I'm performing at the Broadway Comedy Club on July 30th. I'd love to see you there.

(Ryan out!)

As my Twitter followers will know...

2009-07-22T01:55:00.003-04:00

Internets,
As my Twitter followers will know (he reiterated), Will Smith has recently asked me to become a part of Scientology. If you are like I used to be, most of what you know about Scientology has come from the negative and badly skewed press it has received from the mainstream media. You might think that it is a brain-washing cult based on the outlandish science-fiction books written by a man who has been quoted as saying "You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion." or "I'd like to start a religion. That's where the money is!"

And you'd be wro-. Well, not wrong. But there's also a bunch of things the mainstream media doesn't tell you.

When Will Smith first asked to take a 12-mile hike with him around his lake, I had no idea how much I was to learn...

And without further ado, I give you...(drumroll)...THE ELEVEN THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT SCIENTOLOGY:

(I guess click through. The internet is dumb.)

Ta-da! Now doesn't that change some of your feelings on Scientology?

My Best,
Ryan (OT IV!) Merriam

Joe Performs at Carolines 6/1/09

2009-07-12T11:39:00.001-04:00

Here's my set from Caroline's New Talent Night in June. Come see me there again Monday, August 17th at 7 PM!

-Joe

Super(hu)man

2009-06-18T14:06:00.004-04:00

Ryan and I have a friend named Nick, who you may know from his frequent comments on the blog. Nick is one of our biggest fans, rivaled only by Ponchos Sweater and Crissie Chavez.*

Anyway, Nick has been showing up in our material a lot - stuff you guys haven't seen yet, like our screenplay "Red Flag," and a song (which we will be performing in Westport, CT on July 10th. Come see us!) we wrote about the time he made us climb a fucking mountain. I thought I'd break you all in with this little bit about Nick.

Nick is one of the best-looking, nicest guys in the world. Blonde hair, strong build, former football player, the works. He's also a musician and he's majoring in composition at Princeton.

Now, recently Nick and I started woriking out together. I'm a lean guy, but I'm seriously lacking in muscle, strength, flexibility, and any kind of physical prowess. So my being Nick's workout partner is like being Superman's saving-the-world partner. You meet up at the end of the day, Superman asks you what you did - "Oh, I helped an old woman cross the street. I think I did it wrong, though. I can't really move my arms...you?"

"Well, I stopped 8 bank robberies, 14 carjackings, caught everyone on the most-wanted list, and foiled Lex Luthor's plot and put the Earth back in orbit."
"Wow, that sounds pretty amazing."
"Eh, I'm rusty. It wasn't my best Earth re-orbiting."
"...Fuck you, Superman."

Then Nick starts doing squats with the big bar. He says, "I'll start with like 150 or 5,000 or so. I probably won't be able to do it."
Of course he did do it. The asshole. But I'm supposed to spot him. And I'm like "You realize there's no way I'm helping you with that, correct? I just hope you know who you came to the gym with. If you slip, you're going to die."

It's like now Superman and I are on a mission together, and he's like "Okay, Joe, lift up this bus while I save the people under it."
"...Yeah I can't do that."
"Well I can't do both, Joe."
"Yeah well I can't do anything, Superman. I don't even know why I'm here. I clearly don't belong. I don't have any skills in your area, Superman. Remember when you were flying earlier? I don't know if you noticed, but I wasn't there with you. I took a bus here. Because I'm a fucking person, that's what I do with buses. I ride them. I can't lift them, you good-looking, able-bodied, kind asshole. If I'm going to hang out with a superhero it has to be one who I can actually keep up with. A superhero who's really just a whiny little bitch and doesn't have any actual powers...

"I'm gonna see what Spiderman's up to."

-Joe

Max at Stand Up NY 6/10

2009-06-12T06:44:00.001-04:00

On Wednesday, I(Max Barth, King of the Elves*) performed at Stand Up NY. Check out the video.

*Not really, of course. I mean, I'm really Max Barth, but I would doubt the whole 'King of the Elves' thing if I were you.**

**Which I'm not. (See above)

Joe begins his career

2009-06-08T12:50:00.004-04:00

I had my first comedy club show at Standup NY a couple of weeks ago. It was pretty cool, despite a steady stream of mishaps throughout the night.

I planned on doing ten minutes. I pulled my hair out cutting and adding and reworking material until I had a super solid ten-minute set. Then I get there and find out amateurs only get 8 minutes. It may not seem like a two-minute difference fucks absolutely everything up, but trust me, it does. So while I’m working my set down to 8 minutes, the guy who booked me comes over and tells me no one has signed in for me (we’re required to bring a certain number of people for a certain amount of time on stage). Now I’m calling everyone I know, trying to figure out if anyone’s coming. It ended up being my uncle (a founding member of the semi-official sponsor company of Milton & The Duke, MyTea), and his friend. I’m fucked. So they give me 4 minutes. The most fucked up amount of time I can think of. But it’s okay, I’ll take what I can get at this point in my career.

I think I was the second to last comic. People were leaving. They almost forgot to put me on. Plus I’m following Nick DiPaolo and Vic Henley. I’m nervous as hell. If I go over 4 minutes the booker and I both get raped. I’m 20 and I could get banned from Standup NY.

The MC announces me. I catch them at the last minute and stop them from announcing me as “Joe Pessina.” I take the stage…and the show goes really well. I completely lost all sense of time. I may have only done 3 minutes, maybe 2. But the crowd was great and I did really well. The difference between doing comedy at school and in the real world is vast. The response from and interaction with the crowd was incredible. It was an exhilarating experience.

However, before I went on stage, I introduced myself to Nick DiPaolo, and proceeded to say everything you don’t want to say when you meet a famous person.
“Great show, man. This is crazy because I see you on TV all the time and like, here you are…” I very narrowly avoided calling him “Mr. DiPaolo.” But he was cool and he got distracted by a basketball game pretty fast. I’m sure I haven’t tarnished my reputation forever.

Oh, and 5 days later I fucking KILLED at Caroline’s. To the point where I have to keep reminding myself that I'm a beginner I won't always do that well.

Interview with a REAL Serial Killer

2009-05-23T02:04:00.001-04:00

Here's our new video. Learn about Bone-Crusher Smith and how he came to be a professional serial killer.

Email Wars

2009-05-15T14:08:00.002-04:00

I deleted the Email Wars posts, just to avoid any further problems. If you're interested in reading them let me know and I can email them to you.

-Joe

New Sketch!

2009-05-06T23:15:00.006-04:00

Internets,

Joe and I have just finished a new sketch with Max Barth.

Elite Four - The Creation of Pokemon

It's the very true story of how they came up with the Pokemon in Pokemon.

It's in two parts.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Hope you like them!

Love,
Ryan

This Is True

2009-04-30T23:00:00.007-04:00

This piece is so titled because I want you to keep that in mind as you read it. All of this is 100% true, as reported by the given sources.

They’re changing the name of Swine Flu. It is now “H1N1 Influenza A.” Good. That sounds like something relevant to my life. And forget two syllables; let's make it nine. You can read the whole article here.

But perhaps the most upsetting part about the name change is not the new name itself, but rather the reason the World Health Organization (WHO) felt they had to change the name. Apparently, because the virus was called Swine Flu, people decided that pigs were the root of all evil. Countries started banning pig products. Egypt ordered the slaughter of thousands of pigs. Well, you can understand why Swine Flu made people decide all pigs were bad--during the Mad Cow Disease scare earlier this decade, I believe all of THREE COWS got sick. And then there was that Bird Flu pandemic that hit us all so hard. And all this in the aftermath of the technological apocalypse of 2000 that really actually happened as we were promised.

So now, instead of explaining to people in sufficient detail why they should not fear all pigs, the WHO just went ahead and changed the name of the virus. But you know what's going to happen, don't you? Well, I'm an Internet writer, so I do. It's going to become "The Virus Formerly known as Swine Flu." People are going to continue their pig boycott, thinking that they're seeing through the bullshit, when really they're just acting completely stupid, going into panic mode and overdoing everything, like they do so well.*

In case this incredible display of stupidity were not enough, Deputy Health Minister of Israel Yakov Litzman jumped into the arena with another suggestion of what to call the virus: "We should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu." Apparently, he was offended by the use of the term "Swine Flu," because the Jewish religion forbids the eating of pigs.

I'm not sure I understand. I once told my Jewish friend that the hot dog I was eating was, quote, "Good." Was that wrong? Was he terribly offended by that? I don't get it. It's not called "Fuck Jews, pigs are great" flu. If anything, judging by the information in the previous paragraphs, calling it "Swine Flu" gives a negative connotation about pigs. But no, Yakov is offended by pigs. He's even offended by the mention of pigs, no matter the context. Could we say he's in denial about pigs'? Does he think pigs do not have a right to exist? Perhaps Yakov Litzman wants to wipe pigs off the face of the earth. I think Yakov Litzman needs to choose his words a little more fucking carefully.

Instead of "Swine Flu," he wants to call it "Mexican Flu." Swine Flu is offensive; Mexican Flu is preferable. And the most disturbing part is, no one called him out on this. No one said "Hey, um, excuse me, but you're a fucking idiot. Since when is it not okay to name something after a food you don't like, but okay to put down an entire nation of people when you, yourself, come from an oppressed, discriminated-against race and should understand why it is wrong to single out a group in that way? Kill yourself, asshole."

No one said that. The scientists said that nothing about the virus was inherently Mexican, and calling it Mexican Flu could be stigmatizing. End of story. Yakov keeps his job. Meanwhile, the people who control your life continue to argue about the name of the virus instead of working on finding a way for it not to kill you.

This is true.

We are fucked. And not because of a virus.

-Joe

*Another example of this cultural freak-out is the soy craze. Asian people have done well eating soy, so the West is now putting soy in almost everything. It is now possible to eat a soy product for every meal, snack, and dessert. You can find soy ingredients in 60% of "foods sold in supermarkets and natural food stores." Asians have never eaten anywhere near this much soy. This excessive soy intake is now raising health concerns.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/30/swine-flu-gets-new-name-b_n_193772.html
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090427/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_odd_israel_kosher_flu
http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/food/soy_story.html

Milton & The...Hitman???

2009-04-30T02:50:00.002-04:00

This is kind of awesome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milton_Beasley

Does that name remind you of someone?

Don't mess with us.

-Joe

Fish

2009-04-23T02:30:00.004-04:00

I just found out that in Sweden, they market Swedish Fish as "Fish." I think this is one of the funniest things ever. From this fact, Ryan and I have crafted what we believe is a perfect joke:

Joe: Apparently in Sweden they just call Swedish Fish "Fish." And in Germany they call Hamburgers "Meat."

Ryan: Same with Frankfurters. And the Jews.

-Joe
Milton & The Duke

Mad Science

2009-04-22T10:23:00.001-04:00

Internets,

I sometimes think I’m part of some crazy social experiment.

Little things happen all the time that just seem a little too arbitrary.

I lose pens and pencils that I had just seconds ago. I use vending machines and get change that is off by just a little bit. Things like this that are just too small to be under the contract of physical law, but too big to go unnoticed.

In one of my classes, I generally sit at a table in the corner. The classroom doesn’t have tables except for this one corner, and I always sit at it because I like where it is and I like the extra space. And every day, the situation is somewhat different. Some days there are two chairs at the table, sometimes just one. Sometimes the chairs are regular chairs, sometimes the chairs are the chair-desk combos like the ones that fill the rest of the room. Today, I entered the class to find that the table simply wasn’t there at all. Just one chair-desk. None of this makes my day any better or any worse. Just like momentarily losing pens on my desk, this event is entirely inconsequential. I find my pen moments later, somewhere I didn’t put it, and I take whatever seat is there, because I need a seat and it matters very little what seat it is.

But I can’t imagine that these things are all just chance. If I was just getting incorrect change one in a while, I wouldn’t think much of it, but in combination with this pen-relocation and chair fidgeting, I have to start to wonder.

I don’t know what kind of information anyone would hope to gain from doing these things to me. But I never know what scientists are trying to find out from anything. Science, like math and business, is a field that I have no aptitude for. I am consistently glad that so many people pursue those fields, because otherwise I would have to do it myself, and then everyone would be in a bad place.

Maybe these scientists test me to find out how resourceful I am. They move my desk and then see if I’m able to find another. Or they take my change to find what I’ll do later when I was originally planning to put 75 cents of gas into my car when now I can only put 50 cents in. Maybe these men of science do it to see the confused look on my face when I can’t find my pen, and they photograph and measure it, and then maybe they put it into video games and movies. Or maybe they just do it because they know that there’s nothing I can do about any of it and they think it’s funny. Sometimes people are just assholes. Never forget that.

Love,
Ryan

Failure Makes Perfect

2009-04-22T02:09:00.005-04:00

I was never very good at school. I'm still not. That's why I do this.

But something that always really bothers me about school is when you go turn in your test and the teacher reminds you to do the bonus question. Like I just chose not to do it. "No, I'm satisfied with a D-. I don't need all the help I can get. I'm just gonna leave that one blank even though I know the answer." I really had a problem with this in Italian class. I could never understand the work. It was like reading a foreign language.

Ah well, I just remind myself, they don't put your grades on the diploma. At least that's what my doctor always told me. And he's smart - he's a doctor!

What I want to know is how do they hire these doctor's office receptionists? I think all you need is a voice. "Can you say 'please hold'? You got the job."

I called and said "Hey, my medication isn't working, what should I do?" So the doctor wanted me to...try a different medication! Simple, right?

NO! WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT IDEA?1?!?!?

It took me literally 5 days and 4 different people to get that answer. And not one of those people was the doctor. I kept asking to talk to the doctor. They really don't like that. It's like trying to get into the Emerald City to see the wizard. Try getting a doctor on the phone. You can't do it. What is that? Did they really use up so much of their brains learning how to choke you with popsicle sticks and saw "Uh, try this medication" that they forgot how to use a phone?

Being a doctor is easy. Everyone thinks you're smart, but in the end, you're not really expected to know anything. No matter how bad you fuck up, you can just say "Well, that's why they call it the practice of medicine!" Can you believe that shit? They should call it the failure of medicine.

"Yeah, just got my PhD. I'm gonna open up my own failure clinic. Yeah, I've been able to help a few people. Sure, a few are worse off than before, but you know, that's why they call it the failure of medicine."

One thing I really don't understand is how a person becomes a proctologist. What is it that makes a person want to dedicate his life to the ass? I say "he" because I assume most proctologists are men. For some reason I can't picture a woman choosing this path. But a guy would become a proctologist as a joke. A guy would decide drunk, on a dare, to be a proctologist. A guy would go to med school, give up ten years of his life, never sleep again, and LOOK AT PEOPLE'S ASSES FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, just for the gag.

"Dude, you dare me to become a butt doctor? It's gonna be SO funny. I'm totally gonna do it. Watch me, I'm totally gonna do it."

-Joe

From Journaler to eJournaler

2009-04-13T12:19:00.002-04:00

(This is Part 2. See Part 1)

Journalers,

Alright, so now you know all that you need to know about how to keep a paper journal. You know how to create the impression that you’re full of anger and you know how to ignore your journal for months at a time. But now you want strangers to be able to criticize your life choices. “How,” you ask, “can I find out what preteens and bitter adults think about what I choose to do?” Well, you, I have an answer. And that answer is the Internet. The Internet is just full places where you can turn your under-analyzed ramblings into over-analyzed ramblings. For example, you might hold the ill-conceived belief that a certain band is dumb. All you have to do is post it on the Internet and soon some helpful person will make sure you know that thinking what you do makes you mentally challenged and a homosexual. If this appeals to you (and how could it not!) then read ahead and we’ll find the best places for you to get started.

LiveJournal
This is the baseline for all Internet journals. The first benefit of this site (and all online journals) is that instead of using a small and portable journal, you get to type this one into a computer! That will allow you to spend a lot more time sitting inside in the dark. And that’s lucky, because LiveJournal has a substantial online community crying out for your thoughts and opinions. Keep in mind, most of the people who use this are very young or massively immature. That doesn’t mean you should show any leniency in your judgments, just that you should remember to use these labels as insults. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ALSO APPLY TO YOU. The Internet is no place to fear hypocrisy.

Another benefit of LiveJournal is that you can really get to know the people on there. After all, why would they say something that wasn’t true? You can be sure that everything they say is fair and impartial. And if you get even slightly suspicious of that, you can feel free to comment and accuse them of being terrible liars. Then you can write a LiveJournal entry saying “It hrrts me so much when SUM people lie. I dont know why people everywere just dont tell the truth all the time. Then there wodnt be animore war.” Ta-da! You’ve just written an INCREDIBLY subtle attack and figured out world peace in just one entry! Thanks, LiveJournal!

Blue Kaffee
This is LiveJournal but for Canadians. I think it’s basically the same. It might be more polite. I’m not sure.

Twitter
This one might make you a little nervous. Try to stay calm when I tell you that, if you use twitter, your entries will be limited to 140 characters or less. I know! Your thoughts are far too important and all encompassing to fit in such small space! But it’s ok. You can just post (or “tweet”) thousands of times a day to make up for that. Another benefit of Twitter is that it’s super easy to do absolutely any time from anywhere. Having lunch? Tweet it! Watching a movie? Tweet it! Getting beat up for eating and tweeting in a movie theater? Tweet it!

Plus, Twitter has one bonus that other online journals can’t match. CELEBRITIES! And they’re just like you but better! Thanks to Twitter, you’re free to send your 140-character ramblings to any of a range of these gods among men. Ashton Kutcher! LeVar Burton! Me! Who knows, you and a celebrity might end up being best friends forever! It worked for Fred Durst! He’s friends with Neil Diamond now! What? Fred Durst was already famous? Oh. I guess I confused fame with worth. Anyway…

MySpace
Not worth it.

Facebook
Some people have chosen to twist Facebook’s (admittedly poorly realized) stated objective of connecting people and creating networks. They have decided to pervert the already awful Facebook into a method of forcing their journal on family, friends, and co-workers. Sure, LiveJournal allows strangers to stumble across your page, but how can you be absolutely sure people are reading it? Well, make sure those people are your friends, so you can guilt them into reading! Just slap together a Facebook note and tag your buddies. Of course, you shouldn’t post the same things here that you can post on more anonymous sites. Your boss probably doesn’t need to know about your sexual dysfunctions. Here are some suggested topics:
“What Friendship Means to Me”
“Tell Me What You Like About Me”
“A Slightly-Too-Personal Poem I Wrote”
Make sure you end most of your notes with “If I didn’t tag you, it doesn’t mean we’re not friends!” Because otherwise people will absolutely hate you. Because people care about Facebook notes.

And there you have it. A starter’s guide to eJournaling. (Or is it iJournaling now?) Of course, all of these things are for personal journal-type websites. You might feel above this. Sure, you have your own life problems, but you also have tons and tons and tons of unfounded advice. Then you might want to enter the world of blogs, or “The Blogoshpere.” Well stay with me. We’ll get there next.

Love,
Ryan

(Part 3: The Blogosphere coming soon!)

Davis St.Murphy: Orange Juice Investigator

2009-04-11T23:17:00.002-04:00

Watch this documentary on Davis St.Murphy.

Ryan

From Joker to Journaler

2009-04-11T01:37:00.004-04:00

Internet,

I like the idea of a journal. I think it’s a good idea to get your thoughts out on paper. It can make you learn some things about yourself or it can help you remember how you got over bad situations. The problem is, I’m really bad at journaling. I get very self-conscious and have trouble committing. My journals tend to start with a few entries about how stupid I feel writing in a journal and then they taper off from there pretty quickly. Many people keep journals their whole lives and really enjoy it. However, none of those people write on this site and my primary goal is to teach (go with it), so I’ve written you a Journaling Starter Guide based on what experiences I’ve had as a journaler.

Size: Do you want to be able to journal “in the moment”? To irritate people by writing down what they’re saying to you as they say it? To miss actually experiencing life because you’re so busy chronicling it? Then you’ll want something portable. Maybe something you can put in your hat like an old-timey newspaper man. Maybe not. But (journal) size still matters. Maybe you just want a journal that you can attack like an artist attacks a canvas. An angsty angsty canvas. Maybe you want to spread your anger across as much surface area as possible. Maybe you just write big. Bigly? Bigly. Then you’re going to need a biglier journal. Size is kind of a no-brainer, actually.

Design: Design is an important element because it will confront you every time you try and write in your journal. You probably don’t want to get too ironic. It might be hard to write about your latest sexual embarrassment with Dora the Explorer staring at you from the header of your pink, stationaried page. You also probably don’t want get some kind of ridiculous fancy custom journal with your boy/girlfriend’s face on it. That’s a sure way to end a relationship (damn you, fickle Fate!). Of course, you also have to make sure you don’t get too serious with the design either.. Nothing invites secret-stealers faster than a hefty somber notebook labeled “MY VERY INTENSE AND IMPORTANT SECRET THOUGHTS.” Also, if you’re labeling your journal like that, you’re an asshole. Speaking of journal security…

Security: Don’t buy a book with a lock on it. Seriously? Don’t do it. Firstly, because seeing a tiny ineffective lock on anything makes me want to smash it with a rock. Those tiny locks are so useless, I’m pretty sure I could pick one with my fingers. And given the opportunity to crack a lock and feel like (an admittedly low-rent) James Bond, I have no choice but to act. Secondly, everyone knows how bad these locks are, and if they see you with one, they’re going to think you’re an idiot for trying. Plus, locks are a challenge of sorts. They’re saying “these thoughts are too important for you. You couldn’t handle them.” I want to know what’s so secret and important that you feel I can’t deal with it. For security, your best bet is just a good hiding place. And maybe a willingness to attack trespassers with a hammer.

Your First Entry: Try introducing yourself to the journal. If this is your first journal, you could write something like “My friend told me I should try writing in a journal, so I guess I’m giving it a try.” Try to resist the urge to call your friend a bitch. That’s a little intense for a first entry. Save it for a couple pages. Instead, continue “I probably won’t really write in here much.” That way you won’t feel the harsh white stare of the paper quite so strongly the next time you look at the journal several months later.

Later entries: Your next entry should be much later than the first. Months, at least. It should say something like “Wow, sorry I haven’t written in so long. Things have been so busy.” Make sure not to think about why you’re apologizing to a book. Then spend some time describing, in vague, broad strokes, the events of the last few months. Don’t get into too much detail! Remember, the journaling is far more important than exorcising whatever “feelings” you might have. Every entry from the third entry onward should be angry, misspelled tirades separated from its neighbors by months. Make sure that if anyone were to find this journal, they would think you were a rage-filled person with a horror-ridden life, even though these entries represent only the very few difficult moments in your life. You must never write about being happy. That’s super boring to read about. And make sure never to skip unnecessary pages. You need to make sure you leave plenty of room for all the other entries that you’ll never write.

Your last entry: There should be no specific last entry. Your journal should end abruptly, about a third of the way through the book after some kind of innocuous entry about why you don’t like your sister. The rest of the book should stay blank. This represents…something. Fuck it. You’re busy. You have real life to live. What’s the point of all this anyway? Maybe you’re just not someone who writes a journal. You don’t need to write everything down just to feel validated.

However, if your daughter is taken by European sex-traders, write that shit. It would make an awesome Liam Neeson movie.

And there you have it. You’re a journaler!

You’re welcome,
Ryan

PS. Some of you may be thinking “BUT WHAT ABOUT INTERNET JOURNALING!” Well, first, calm down! You’re freaking out! Second, I’ll be addressing that soon. Stay tuned!

Terror Alert Red

2009-04-10T17:34:00.001-04:00

The finale of our Terror Alert Series! If you haven't seen them already check out Terror Alerts Yellow, Orange, and Blue.

Craze-cation

2009-04-10T00:55:00.004-04:00

My family and I went to Disney World a few years ago, and my dad got this book that tells you the best time to go to all the rides and the restaurants to avoid crowds. And I said, "Dad, that book is available to everyone. If everyone gets it then everyone will show up at the same time and there will be crowds anyway." But then I realized, no one bought that book. My dad is a crazy person.

"Wake up! We have to get to Splash Mountain NOW!"
"Dad, it's 3 in the morning. No one's going on Splash Mountain yet."
"Well I guess I'm always wrong!"
"No, Dad, I didn't say anything about always. Just now. Right now you're very, very wrong."

-Joe

P.S. Episode 3 of our podcast, Milton & The Duke: Seems Like The Truth, should be up on itunes this weekend. And watch for the finale of our Terror Alert series on youtube as well.

Terror Alert: Blue

2009-04-04T23:56:00.003-04:00

The next installment in the Terror Alert saga. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion!

-Joe

Light Up the Sky Like a Flame

2009-03-30T11:57:00.002-04:00

Internets,

I want to be famous. Like super famous.

Just really completely ultra famous.

Let me explain.

I want to be so famous that my name alone can sell books or tickets or food or candy or toys. Even if they’re substandard. The kind of famous where people have obituaries pre-written about how well my passing will be marked. The kind of fame where my obituary will read "whatever you felt about Ryan Merriam, it is certain that you will feel his absence." I want to be fake obituary famous. I want that Steve Jobs level of fame. I want news of my health to affect the stock market. I want to the kind of famous where people to try and bribe my doctors for news about my last check up. I want them to offer the doctor so much money he just has to do it because he can’t afford to turn that kind of money down. I want the kind of fame that puts my name into screenplays and novels as a casual yet clear pop culture reference. I want them to say my name in a way that emphasizes my fame. I want to be famous in a way that when characters reference me, it say something about them. I want to be so famous that people quote me at parties. Not just witticisms, but just the anythings I say on a day-to-day basis. Things about the weather or my lunch. I wan to be so famous that people misquote me because they agree so strongly with the sentiment I expressed and so they’ll say "I know I’m saying this wrong, but I think there’s a Ryan Merriam quote..." I want to be the kind of famous where people take harmless things I’ve said and then extrapolate them to apply to a whole world of things I didn’t even consider when I said them. I want be so famous that when people do take those quotes out of context, so many people are concerned that I’m forced to contact a paper or radio station or television station and have them report that my quotations were taken out of context and that I apologize for any confusion or distress that those quotations caused. I want to be so famous that everything I do is taken as an endorsement of those activities. If I ski, skiing becomes the hip thing. If I’m using hair gel, it becomes popular to use hair gel. If I use drugs, I have to explain to children that drug use is bad. I want to be beholden to my public at all times. I want my relationships to be based on what the tabloids say about how we feel, not how we actually feel. I want to have to report it to my public relations agent when I start dating someone or stop dating someone. I want to have to deal with the public opinion of my breakups before I can deal with my own opinions of it. I want the kind of fame where my smallest transgressions cost me millions of dollars. Where I am punished for expressing opinions or making decisions that aren’t the mainstream. Where it becomes hard to get a job if I say something publicly unpopular at a private party. I want the kind of fame where my children will be photographed leaving school or playing in the park. Where my wife and family are scrutinized just as hard as I am, even though the only thing they did was to love me. When a family member dies, I want to have to write a press statement that same day. I want to have to make sure it expresses grief, grace, and a noble ability to continue living. I want the news stations to pause from covering war and death so that they can have their analysts go over my tearful footage. I want be criticized for pointing out how terrible this is because why should I complain? I’m so rich and famous. I have it so good. I want to be so famous that there’s a huge group of people that hate me for what I’ve done even though I’ve never met them or hurt them. And people that want me dead for reasons I can’t even fathom. I want to be so famous that I die in a car accident because some paparazzi run me off the road trying just to get a passing photograph of me.
Ahh, fame. I can’t wait.

Love,
Ryan

Losin' My Head

2009-03-29T16:51:00.004-04:00

I lose things a fair amount, but I don't think I would lose my head, even if it weren't attached to my shoulders. Because my head would know it was supposed to be going somewhere with my body. If my body started to leave without my head, my head would be like "Whoa, tough guy, where do you think you're going? Not tryin' to brag, but just sayin', who's the one with the eyes here? I don't think you're gonna get very far without me. Why don't ya come on over here and screw me back on first, Speedy Gonzales."

Please Just Settle For Me

2009-03-28T04:01:00.005-04:00

This song, called "Please Just Settle For Me," is a pop tune about a guy who just can't seem to get things right, but he's trying to explain to his girl that love will find a way, despite his shortcomings.

-Joe

Podcast

2009-03-25T12:21:00.004-04:00

Hey, just wanted to say thanks to everyone who's been reading and commenting on the blog. There is, as always, more on the way. I also wanted to post a reminder to check out the Milton & The Duke podcast, Seems Like The Truth, on itunes. It's free to subscribe, and it's a whole lot more of the Milton & The Duke material you love. The shows are around 25 minutes. There are two episodes on itunes now, and we have a third planned for this weekend. Keep reading/watching/listening!

Hearts,

-Milton & The Duke

Just Don't Be There At All

2009-03-22T16:32:00.010-04:00

It is no longer cute or funny to say "I'll be there in spirit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" when you can't make it to something. If you can't come, just tell me you can't come, and shut the fuck up. It doesn't make it any better that you're not coming when you act silly about it. And you couldn't say this in many situations. "Honey, I'm giving birth to our first child." "Well I'll be fucking the babysitter, but I'll be there in spirit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P LOL."
Why is it so much easier for you to blow off my event?

And it doesn't even mean anything. Seriously, even if you believe in spirits, is your spirit really gonna go off on its own to this event, while your body does its thing on its own? Doesn't make sense. How's your body gonna do anything without a spirit? Your spirit leaves your body when you die. That's why it's death. Your body can't handle a whole lot once the spirit is gone. That's why you have it. You can't just send it off to things while your body pretends to be doing something else. You have to choose one. That's the rule.

"Hey Sally, why is James suddenly in a persistent vegetative state?"
"Oh there's a basketball game tonight. He's there in spirit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P LOL ROFLMAO."

It's dangerous to have your spirit running around outside of your body, 'cause spirits are not bound by earthly laws. That's where the phrase "free spirit" comes from. And free spirits cause nothing but trouble. I let my spirit free once. It was a disaster. Someone invited me to one of these bullshit new wave things, like a wedding or something, but I had a previous engagement. So I told them I'd be there in spirit. Biggest mistake I've ever made. The next day I owed all these people money, girls were slapping me, and I think I may be a member of the KKK now. I wake up and 4 is left and meatloaf is west and I'm like "Dammit, that's the last time I go anywhere in spirit."

If I Were A Girl

2009-03-20T03:08:00.007-04:00

I just wrote a parody of Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" called "If I Were A Girl." It was supposed to be funny but it ended up being more of an attack on Beyonce. I'm fine with that.

Note: I don't think this way of all women, it's just based on several experiences I've had. I'm satirizing Beyonce's song, which targeted all men.

If I were a girl
Even just for a day
I’d get out of bed in the morning
And throw on something slutty and yell…

At people who look
At my barely covered backside
I’d make out with other girls
But I wouldn’t be a lesbian
‘Cause it doesn’t count

If I were a girl
I think I could understand
When I already have it good
And I don’t need a better man

I’d listen to him
‘Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
‘Cause she’s searching for Prince Charming
And she just couldn’t be satisfied

If I were a girl
I could write sexist songs
But it would be seen as insightful
‘Cause it’s popular to think men are scum

I’d get really mad
And refuse to talk
‘Cause he should know why I am angry
Why can’t he just read my mind? MY MIND???

If I were a girl
I think I could understand
When I already have it good
And I don’t need a better man

I’d listen to him
‘Cause I know how it hurts
When you love a girl like crazy
But she gets bored and lazy
And you’re left with your feelings destroyed

It’s a little too late to realize what you’ve done
You told me that you were just out having fun
You still claim that you’re not a slut
But you’re wrong

But you’re just a girl
And you don’t understand
(You don’t understand, oh)
That you already have it good
But you still wish for a better man

You don’t listen to him
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you end up with no one
‘Cause you’re searching for Prince Charming
And you just couldn’t be satisfied

But you’re just a girl
____________________________________________________________

I'd be worried about reactions but luckily no one ever comments (except Ponchos Sweater and Nick - I mean, various verification codes).

Mattresses Mattresses Mattresses!

2009-03-18T20:58:00.003-04:00

Hi. I’m Ryan Merriam here for Ryan Merriam’s Mattress Emporium!

You know, studies show that we, as humans, need sleep. Without it, we could become very tired. The same studies showed that getting more sleep made people less tired.

Scientists also tell us that if we’re more comfortable, it will be easier to sleep. Let me put it into layman’s terms: being “more comfortable” when we “sleep” is “better.”

That why when we designed our mattresses, we decided to try and make our mattresses “better.”

So come on down! Buy the mattress that science proved is great!

Time of Your Life

2009-03-16T01:10:00.008-04:00

I was just home for a week, and I was working on this the entire time. Eventually I'll use it for standup. I think this is a decent draft. Please let me know what you think. I want to know if there are any spots that can be more funny and less just saying things.
__________________________________________________________________________

We have serious time-management problems. Or at least we think we do. Our culture is based on achieving a false standard of convenience. Everywhere you look, it’s clear that people’s main concern is that shit doesn’t take too much time. Like fast food, for instance. The entire idea of fast food was conceived obviously so that people could get food faster. And that’s it. “What’s that? Four thousand calories per bite? Hey, I’ve got places to be. Give me my soggy, dripping meat pile and move it along.”
No one gave a shit about the quality of the food, just as long as they got it immediately. Think about it, what do we do if it takes a fast food place longer than two minutes to give us our food? We lose our minds. “Jesus Hussein Christ, this is taking forever. Four minutes now. I’m a busy person. Can’t they see I’m a serious adult, as evidenced by the fact that I’m eating lunch at a place that gives you a toy with your food?” We just have it in our heads that we don’t have time for anything. We’re always so worried about getting to the next thing on time. But we won’t even be fully invested in it when we get there, because we’re going to be worried about getting to the thing after that on time.

We act the same way when we’re buying our food. Just look at the idea of buying in bulk. “What do you mean, why am I buying a 58 pack of Capri Sun? When the hell else am I gonna buy it? I have shit to do! Little Johnny needs his daily dose of 20 grams of sugar and high fructose corn syrup in his bag lunch.” And “natural flavor,” whatever the fuck that means. I don’t know much, but I do know there is nothing natural about Capri Sun. It looks like the Silver Surfer’s semen sample. Try saying that one time fast.
Or how about 80 Cup Noodles? Chicken Flavor. There’s no chicken in there! And those noodles never fully convinced me.
And don’t forget your metric ton of potato chips. You know, for snacks!

I don’t think they spend hundreds of dollars at the supermarket each visit in other countries. They buy what they need for the day or a couple of days, because they’re calm, rational people. And it’s my understanding that they use a small car or even a bike for this trip. Not a fucking Hummer. Here people load up their SUVs with tons of stuff to stock up for the next month. For some reason we believe there will be no other time to do it, we must get it all now.

We can’t even wait to be nostalgic. VH1 did that I Love the 70s show, then they did I Love the 80s and I Love the 90s, and even at that point I thought it was a little ridiculous. My generation needs to at least be out of college before 90s nostalgia goes full blast. But then, in two thousand motherfucking eight, they did an I Love the New Millennium show. They did a show about THIS DECADE! During it! It went all the way up to 2006. What the fuck was in that show? “Oh man, remember the Internet?” YES! I’m using it right now. I remember when we first got the Internet in my parents’ house. Where I still live, because that was such a short time ago.

“Remember when Bush was president?” Yes, it was literally months ago. Actually, his war is still going on. A lot of things are the same, because Obama hasn’t had time to even begin cleaning up Bush’s mess. You know why? Because he’s only been in office for two months!
“Remember how we didn’t know what to call this decade, because it’s not like the 80s or 90s or something like that. What is it? The O’s????” Yeah, I remember. We still haven’t figured it out because IT’S STILL THIS DECADE! We don’t need to reference it yet because it’s still going on. I swear I just saw a commercial for an I Love Tomorrow show.

Still don’t believe me?

Why does your car’s speedometer go up to 120 miles per hour even though it’s not legal to drive that fast anywhere in the country? Because the car companies know you have a fetish for speed and that’s why you bought the car.
I know this because people tailgate me when I’m driving 30 miles over the speed limit. I can’t wait for the day when someone passes me then I see them in a fiery wreck an hour later. And people roll through red lights until they turn green. That’s not stopping, asshole. Just run the light if you’re going to do that. I’ll be waiting to make a left and people almost roll right into me. You know, to save time. It just proves that the only thing that’s important to people is that shit goes as fast as possible, no matter the consequence.

Fast track, fast lane, fast car, fast service, fast food, fast cash, fast acting pain reducer, instant relief, instant message, instant alert, instant coffee, time to wake up, got no time, need more time, time flies, where’d the time go?, what time is it?, is it time?, now’s the time, so come on time, don’t be late, won’t be late, can’t be late, worth the wait?, I can’t wait, so don’t wait, act now, call now, buy now, get it now.
__________________________________________________________________________

Thanks for reading,

-Joe

Rorschach: Uncompromised

2009-03-13T16:23:00.003-04:00

A new video. Rorschach from Watchmen tries his hand at jokes.

Die, Ryan, Die (#1)

2009-03-05T10:22:00.001-05:00

Max, like, always tries to kill Ryan. This was his first attempt.

Night Prowler

2009-03-05T06:17:00.006-05:00

Thoughts while drinking Mountain Dew Code Red:

I wonder if this fits into my "All natural" diet.

Can I still have children?

Do they really think this is what cherries taste like?

How does one go about brominating vegetable oil?

Did the FDA seriously approve this?

Did I have a headache in my ears before I started drinking this?

The reason I resorted to consuming such a vile substance as Mountain Dew Code Red is that I am currently functioning on a nocturnal sleep schedule. Last Thursday I stayed up all night doing work, then slept most of the day Friday. Needless to day, I then stayed up all of Friday night, and slept most of the day Saturday. In an attempt to right myself, I took a sleeping pill and slept Saturday night as well. Somewhere along the way, I missed another night of sleep, and for a few days now I have been up all night and sleeping all day. I get a lot done at night. No distractions. It's pretty cool. I feel awful all the time, but it's good. Now I'm drinking Code Red. I don't have class until the afternoon. I have to stay awake until at least 5:30. Actually, I'm going out with my girlfriend after that. I'm determined to make it, because we were supposed to go out last night but I slept through it. I'm kind of a terrible person. She forgave me, for some reason.

In other news, I'm finding endless amusement in complaints sent to the FCC at this site. I'll do an actual post soon about that stuff.

Birthday #20

2009-03-03T14:59:00.007-05:00

Well, I'm 20 today. But instead of talking about how little that changes things, I thought I'd comment on the timing and interesting aspects of my birthday itself.

Like, for instance, did you know that Alexander Graham Bell, Jessica Biel, and King John II of Portugal were born on March 3rd??

Johann Pachelbel died on my birthday. Good. Fuck him.

Dr. Suess' birthday is March 2nd. When I first started at life I was worried that he would steal my thunder every year. But it was alright because everyone kind of forgets about him by the next day.

I actually lucked out, because I was born around 12:30 AM on March 3rd. Which means my parents went to the hospital on March 2nd. Which means if I hadn't weighed 11 lbs. and 4 ounces at birth, there's a very good chance I would have had to live in the shadow of that cleverly rhyming motherfucker forever.

I'm sick on my birthday this year. I guess it's ok though, because I've been sick for months. Also, I'm not going to class today.

Positivity,

-Joe

Paper Trail

2009-03-02T01:09:00.007-05:00

I heard a paper towel commercial on the radio today. What are they still doing with the paper towels? What room for improvement still remains? Are we really meant to believe they haven't figured this technology out yet? I think they purposely made them worse at the beginning, just so they could fool us by charging extra when they come out with fancy new varieties. Double quilted, triple quilted- I can't keep up with it anymore. At what point will they just give us a giant blanket to throw over our spills? I don't even buy paper towels anymore. I keep using my old ones. Just when you upgrade to the new model, they come out with another one.

-Joe

Miscommunication

2009-02-27T08:44:00.002-05:00

Have you noticed that some people, when they're getting really passionate about what they're talking about, just when they're making their point they say something like "...and it's like, fuck my ass, you know? These fucking people, they don't know how to drive. Who lets them drive? It makes me so mad, it's like, shit on my face, you know?" No, I'm afraid I don't know. Remind me again how shit on my face relates to how you don't like when people don't use their turn signals.

-Joe

Tourism

2009-02-27T01:25:00.003-05:00

Internets,

When I visit places I try really hard to blend in, but it’s hard, because I’m kind of a tourist. That’s a lie. I’m a huge tourist. I hate it. So I always try so hard to look like a local. The key is to not look up at all. Which is a shame because up is a fantastic place to look. There’s some neat stuff up there. But I don’t look up. I try not to acknowledge the people handing out flyers. I don’t make eye contact with anyone. Stuff like that. I work hard to look like I belong. When in Rome, right? The problem is that I’m still going into places like wax museums and taking walking tours. So I have to look around like I have no idea how I got there. I put on this face of “how the hell did I get here?” When really I’m thinking “Oh my God! That really does look exactly like Al Pacino!”

Abashedly Touristy,

Ryan

PS. Check out my (with some contributions from Joe) new tumblr: Reasons Things Are Bad.

Terror Alert Yellow

2009-02-22T14:22:00.005-05:00

Here is the video Ryan and I made at 4AM.

Enjoy.

It's a joke. I'm not a terrorist. It's a joke.

-Joe

Dear Snapple. RE: "Lemonade/Iced Tea"

2009-02-19T10:33:00.002-05:00

To Whom It May Concern:
I recently purchased your "Lemonade Iced Tea" beverage. It was delicious. Unfortunately, there is a story printed on the label that I find facetious and offensive. Apparently - and I quote -

"One day Kris, a long-time Snapple Mixologist, accidentally mixed a batch of Iced Tea with Lemonade (she made us promise not to say how it happened). Everybody thought the mix tasted so good that it was made into a new Snapple flavor. Let us know what you think!"

Here's what I think. Kris is clumsy....at best. Assuming that she (and I do respect her for living with what most consider to be a man's name) really had been employed by Snapple for quite some time as a "Mixologist", I can't fathom how she would make such an awful mistake.

Please don't get me wrong. Her "mistake", if that's really what it was, created a fantastic beverage that is both lemonade-y and iced tea-esque. What I take issue with is the brazen lack of corporate discipline that you have employed on your employed. (Ha!)
Kris should be fired, or at least demoted from the lofty heights of "Mixology" to something more sensible, like ad sales. I tell you she will flourish in such a position.

Please respond in kind or at maximiliancbarth@gmail.com.

Thank you for your time.

Max Barth

This post is going to present too many things all at once, and I would like to not apologize in advance.

2009-02-15T01:06:00.006-05:00

Today was Valentine's Day. At least it was when I started writing this. I just love Valentine's Day. I took my girlfriend out to dinner and I bought her flowers and chocolate and wrote her a song and made sweet love to her and it was all wonderful and great. Valentine's Day is such a happy, good time and I love it so much. Remember in grade school when everyone passed out valentines? That was nice. I wish I had gone to a boarding school where you could send singing valentines. That seems like a good idea that wouldn't go horribly wrong for anyone.

(Almost all of that is untrue. I did buy my girlfriend flowers and chocolate and write her a song, but we're both sick and we ended up just sitting in her room on Valentine's Day. I actually think Valentine's Day is stupid. But I thought it would be funny to put up a post that was in contrast to Ryan's post. It's funny, right? It's funny, asshole.)

I'm writing this now (then) because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because the inside of my body is literally on fire. I have a lot of health problems. Which reminds me of this joke I want to run by you. Please leave comments, like you usually do*

I have a gluten allergy. In simple terms, a wheat allergy. And I'm not bringing this up to complain about it. Honestly, it's not that bad. I've gotten used to it. But see, the worst part about this condition is the exaggerated sympathy I get from others. See, people find out about it and then they feel bad, and next time I'm at their house or what have you, they make sure to have plenty of gluten free things on hand. Nice idea, but fails in practice. Because now they bought all this food and they're like "Here, we got you this. You should eat it. 'Cause look, see, it says gluten free. You should have it, you'll like it." But people don't really get it. They hear I have a wheat allergy and they think I can only eat weird organic shit. But here's a little secret; There is normal food that doesn't contain wheat. "No thanks, I'll pass on the organic candied rhinoceros nipples, I'll just have the potato chips." Also, something else you should know about our kind: sometimes, we're not fucking hungry. Yep, we're just like you. From now on whenever there's bread around I'm gonna force people to eat it. "Here, have some bread. You should have some. It has wheat in it. You can eat wheat. Go ahead, have some."

*You don't leave comments, and I hate you.

Love,
-Joe

Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T12:43:00.003-05:00

Internets,

I am going on the record as being against Valentine’s Day. I am on team Anti-Valentine. (Val-anti? No matter)

I am 20 years old. This means I have had 20 Valentine’s Days. I have had exactly one (1) Valentine’s Day that was any good. And I don’t believe I have ever had an uplifting experience. Some examples:

Remember when you were in grade school and the teacher had you decorate paper bags to hang on the chalkboard ledge? And everyone would bring valentines into class and we’d all go around class depositing one into every bag. The teacher told everyone that “if you bring in valentines, you have to bring one for everyone so no one feels left out.” There are few things more depressing to a small child than counting your Valentines and finding you have less than the rest of the class even when the teacher required them to give you one.

By first grade, Valentine’s Day was already ruining a week of my life.

When I was in third grade, I had a huge crush on a girl in my class. Her name was Katie. She was already taller than anyone else in the class, as girls at that age tend to be. She was my first real crush. The first one that wasn’t invented by my parents (Sorry, Janie Boatie. It was never going to happen.). As a third grader, my flirting skills were untested at best. I had no real way of knowing what was going to happen when I tried. It could be awful, or (hopefully) I could find out I was going to be the Don Juan of my generation.

No such luck.

On Feb. 14, 1997, I made my move. Rather than try for a subtle sophisticated approach (Why hello there Katie! I couldn’t help but admire your jumper and flower hair clips! I say, would you care to stroll with me later today?), I decided to make a grander gesture. The night before, I made valentines for my whole class because I’m not an exclusionary asshole (ahem*JR*ahem). But when I got to Katie’s valentine I ran to my room and got three Tootsie Pops™ that I had lovingly saved. I ran back downstairs and taped all three of them to her card. I was quite a fella. Any lady would be lucky.

The next day (the day) I went to class, my little Jansport filled with Valentine-themed love and exuberance. My palms were sweaty as I began to hand out the cards. I moved down the line. Katie’s bag was at the far end. I put the cards into the bags, one by one. Kyle, Chris, Robbie, Rachel, Rachel, Mike, Rachel… And then I was there. I reached into my bag and pulled out Katie’s card, drooping with the weight of the candy. And just as it came out of my bag and into the florescent light of the class, Katie appeared next to me.

“Wow, thanks, Ryan! Rachel, look how much candy Ryan is giving out!”
“Oh wow! Cool!”

Suddenly I was the most popular person in class. But I was having an internal panic attack. But it wasn’t for the whole class! Only hers has it! As soon as they look in their bags they’ll all figure it out!

And figure it out they did. I’m not sure how long it was that my class teased me for liking a girl, but it was a while. And, being a little boy, I ended up spending most of my free time denying it. So that meant I wouldn’t be able to ask her to skate with me in partner skate at the Rollin’ Rocks Roller Skating Rink school parties. I couldn’t buy her a hot dog at family fun night. I couldn’t ask to share her ruler. Valentine’s Day ruined my first shot at love.

A more recent example:

My junior year of high school.

First let me set the scene. My high school was a boarding school, which is to say, we all lived in dorms and we spent about 80% of our free time with the same group of people. I spent every night with about fifty guys, most of whom seemed to feel that if you were wearing more than one or two articles of clothes around the dorm, you were just trying to prove something. Just through the law of averages, it was fairly likely that I wasn’t going going to like all of them. As it happened, I liked relatively few of them.

But that’s beside the point. Valentine’s Day 2006. Every Valentine’s Day, the two choral groups, the all male ‘Tones and the all female ‘Trebels would sell singing valentines. You would give them five dollars and that night, they would go around the dorms and sing to the people you bought the valentines for. This was generally a pretty fun and good-natured process. It was a cute way for a guy or girl to say “I kinda like you” without having to worry about being taken too seriously. On the night, the ‘Trebels came to our dorm and brought everyone who had a valentine out into the hall. All the half-dressed guys stood there while the girls sang “You Are My Sunshine” to them. The guys got an ego boost and headed back to their rooms. I wasn’t one of them, but I didn’t expect to be and I wasn’t particularly sad about it.

Half an hour later, from our rooms we could hear the girls come back. They had already done our hall. What were they doing back?

“Is Ryan Merriam on this hall?”

Me? Someone sent me a valentine? Me?

I opened the door to my room, trying to pretend that I didn’t care one way or the other. Whatever, I tried to exude, this sort of thing happens all the time. But it didn’t happen all the time and inside I was bubbling with excitement.

“We thought you were on a different hall. You have a singing valentine!”

I get a personal song! I don’t even have to share it with the other people!

The rest of the people on the hall had come out to see what was happening by now. Everyone was watching. I felt like a king. The head of the ‘Trebles blew a note on her tuner.
She paused before the song.

“This is from mommy!”

I turned bright red as they started in on another round of “You Are My Sunshine” as the shirtless douchebags around me laughed.

My point is, Valentine’s Day is bad. We spend months building up to celebrate a day that exists only in absolutely perfect conditions. We buy flowers, we write cards, we leave notes, we lie, we spend and we plan. And usually, we end up going home and watching TV while your single friends do the same and your coupled friends chase that red heart-shaped dragon.

Fuck Valentine's Day,
Ryan

Nineteen [Max Barth]

2009-02-09T11:45:00.001-05:00

I was not happy to celebrate my birthday a few months ago. Nineteen is a stupid age. There is no point to being nineteen, unless one happens to love words that end in “-ineteen”. In that case, I congratulate one, or two, or however many of you freaks there are out there. So being nineteen years old is useless, as anyone – save the aforementioned hypothetical person(s)- will tell you. I can still drive, and I can still drink. I still can’t drink legally, of course, but who wants to pay for alcohol before you’ve even graduated from college and have landed a soul-crushing job in middle management?
Another problem with being nineteen, besides the complete letdown that accompanies my obsessive compulsive realization that nineteen is a prime number and no manner of reasonable multiplying will result in its creation, stems from the fact that I have now reached an age where people serving me in restaurants are occasionally younger than I am. I don’t know how to handle this.
“Hi, I’d like a medium Coke, a slice of pepperoni…”, I say, and then feel obliged to offer the baby-faced waiter (probably named “A.J” or “T.J” or “J.T”) my now sage wisdom.
“…..and are you worried about peer pressure?”. And I can’t help but grin. I grin like a bastard who’s been driving for three years already and is well past the prime of his youth.

maxbarth.tumblr.com

In Which I Talk About My Valentine's Day Plans

2009-02-03T00:18:00.003-05:00

Internets,

My girlfriend just broke up with me, so I'm going to do my damnedest to make the upcoming Valentine's Day seem entirely stupid and superficial so I can pretend it doesn't bother me. Wish me luck.

To start, here's something I found.
(warning: adult content((written only))):

from here.

Love you all,
Ryan

2009-02-02T18:26:00.008-05:00

The stupidest/ funniest people in the world can be found on youtube. I will prove it to you.

This is a conversation Ryan and I had with some avid youtubers on the comment wall of the "Welcome to the Jungle" music video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYRC4H64EFk):

MiltonandtheDuke: Is that Lindsay Lohan?

1STEWIEGRIFFINFAN: in the beginning?

(Keep in mind this video was made in 1987, when Lindsay Lohan was a year old)

MiltonandtheDuke: No, the lady singing.

danthebard: fuck you

kjfordracing55: hilarious, asshole, thats axl rose, he just doesnt know how to dress like a man, he likes attention. and he deserves it too, id like to see you hit those high notes the way he does.

(This guy just reiterated our point that Axl Rose looked like a woman. Interestingly, we never said he was a bad singer, so we don't know why that became part of the argument)

MiltonandtheDuke: Hey man, it's cool. Sometimes you need some time on your own. Sometimes you need some time all alone. Don't you cry tonight. What is it with you and that garden?

(Those were all Guns N' Roses lyrics)

www.miltonandtheduke.com

I think we've made our point.

-Joe

I'm Still Alive

2009-01-26T00:04:00.004-05:00

Internets,

I've missed you. Sorry about not always being here for you. Sometimes life just gets busy. But I'm back now. And to start that ...whole...thing...here's some comedy I did on January 1st at the Steel City Coffee House in Phoenixville, PA.

On a related topic click here to listen to Max Barth performing on the same night. If you listen closely, you can hear him being heckled by a girl who is literally retarded.

All the Best,
Ryan

Max Barth - NYC Show!

2009-01-21T11:13:00.002-05:00

I will be performing at the Times Square Comedy Club (formerly the Laugh Factory) in NYC on February 23rd.
It should be a fantastic show - many of the performers are seasoned (like, salt and stuff) comedy folks who have performed for Comedy Central, HBO, etc.

This is a great opportunity for me to perform in one of the best clubs in the city, and it’s a great opportunity for you to see a great show in a great way for a great price.

I can get a limited number of HALF PRICE tickets - only 10$ (there is a two drink minimum, however…) - if you email me at mbarth2@Ithaca.edu. Anyone over 18 is free to come.

The show starts at 9pm, so plan to get there around 8:30.

Times Square Comedy Club
303 W. 42nd St. 8th ave.
NY, NY 10036
Please let me know if you are interested, I’d love to see you there.