Kitten Tits

Dear friends,

I apologize for the few-and-far-between posts lately. I guess that's our schedule of "writing whatever we want whenever we want" slightly backfiring. But this way you get half-decent material some of the time as opposed to shitty material all the time. Get over it. Here's a thing. Enjoy it. I have more stuff written I'll post over the next few days.
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I’ve come to question some of the popular complaints about the portrayal of women in the media. Of course, I’m a white man, so I must issue the standard disclaimer – no, I do not have anything against women or women’s rights. I do not believe that the right to vote and the right to work have ended all woes. I’m glad we have a female secretary of state, although I’m relieved she is not the president (not because she’s a woman, just because she sucks). And I will not ask you to make me a sandwich. But, as is customary in American society, this argument about the negative portrayal of women in the media has gone so far that it neglects to acknowledge its flaws, and forgets that the goal is equality, not reverse inequality. Even white, male, heteronormative oppressors need a voice, and I am here to provide.

One of the most popular claims about women in the media is that women are pressured to look a certain way and act a certain way to please men. I do not deny this. However, find me one of the people who go around saying this, and see if they think the same about men. My guess is no. Sure, I’ve never felt like girls wished I looked more like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. And there is no pressure to act a certain way or buy certain things to make women happy. And I can absolutely relate to the chiseled Adonis with no body hair who prances out of bed in the morning with perfect hair and shaves with a top of the line razor then gets tons of compliments at his office before going out for a beer and hitting on the airhead in the short skirt, as all men do all the time.

Another common theme in the media portrayal argument in which men are ignored is the portrayal of women as housewives, as the ones who clean up after everyone at home and cook all the meals. This assertion is fair enough, but what people neglect to mention is that while the woman does these things, the man is portrayed as not doing them because he is dumb and thoughtless. This image is rampant in sitcoms. “Everybody Loves Raymond” is actually not a complete sentence. It’s really “Everybody Loves Raymond, Even Though He’s Too Dumb To Help His Wife - Who Works So Hard and is Totally Justified in Losing Her Mind Every Episode - Take Care of Their Kids.” In fact, now that you’ve read that, you need never watch the show.

This image is also present in commercials. I saw a commercial for Glade or something along those lines recently, in which a woman got a fancy new automatic air freshener that sprays in intervals according to which setting you choose. There’s your female homemaker stereotype. But then her husband comes home. Now, the air freshener just happens to spray as he walks past it, but he doesn’t know how it works, so he starts jumping around like an idiot in front of it, thinking that it has a motion sensor. He doesn’t know any better; he sits at a computer in an office all day, because that’s all he knows how to do. So his wife comes over with a playful “You stupid asshole” look on her face and shows him how it works, the tone of the scene continuing to be that he doesn’t understand and is silly for not understanding. Should he understand? He was busy all day working, being the drone these media stereotypes have compressed him into; he probably didn’t have time to watch your fuckass commercials.

This is a small one, but it’s just silly when people complain that Victoria’s Secret ads focus on, well, women’s breasts and vaginas. I know your first thought is “He’s a man, he just likes to look at breasts and vaginas.” Well, that’s not what it’s about, so shut the fuck up and read on. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but this company specializes in garments exclusively for the breasts and vagina. You don’t see me complaining about men’s bulges in Hanes commercials. “Wait a minute, other men have dicks, too? That’s disgusting!” I will admit that Victoria’s Secret commercials are overly sexualized, but their products are for women. Why they market to men I cannot explain.



Thanks for reading,
-Joe


P.S. This piece is only so titled because I figure Kittens and Tits are two of the most common things people look for on the Internet.

P.P.S. Check out this post on hubpages. If you click the ads, I get money, and you don't even have to buy anything.

Booker? I barely know 'er.

I just had the most mind fuckingest series of emails with a comedienne/ booker who shall remain unnamed.

Her: Hey we have 2 8:00 shows available in Dec.
On the 8th and 22nd...
Let me know if you want to do one.

Me: The 22nd is a possibility...how many people would I have to bring?

Her: 10 people
did you bring 10 last show?

Me: I don't think I've done a show with you before

Her: Cool so those are the requirements

Her: let me know if you would like to do the show on the 22nd

Me: I think I should be able to do the 22nd. I'll let you know in advance if it becomes a problem.

Her: sounds good


That was back in November. About a week later, I got this:

SUBJECT: 12/8 8:00 Show

Her: HEY YOU'RE ALL SET FOR THE SHOW.
PLEASE HAVE YOUR FRIENDS CALL 212-367-9000
TO MAKE RESERVATIONS UNDER YOUR NAME.
SEE YOU SOON.

Me: I actually booked December 22, not the 8th.

Her: no problem


It was actually a big problem. Today, this shit show began:

Again the subject was 12/8 8:00 Show

Her: HEY PLEASE HAVE YOUR FRIENDS CALL 212-367-9000 TO MAKE RESERVATIONS ASAP

Me: Ok. Just to be sure, I signed up for the December 22nd show, not the 8th.

Her: im very confused didnt you say the other day you were doing the 8th?
have to check my emails

Me: No it was definitely always the 22nd. Does that still work?

Her: Yes no prob
Can u do the 23rd 8:00 show?


WHAT THE FUCK?!


Me: The 22nd is what you told me originally. I have people set to come see me on the 22nd. I can't promise the 23rd because that's not what I planned for. If you can't put me on the 22nd and can only put me on the 23rd I can contact my guests and get back to you, but it's very likely that the 23rd will be much harder for people to get to, myself included.

Her: No prob
You're all set for the 22nd



Is this what it's like to feel overqualified?

-Joe

Walmart Bless Us! Everyone!

Internet,

I went to Walmart today because I have a different idea of “fun” than most people. Some people play sports or hang out with friends. I loiter at megamarts.

I was wandering around the store, deciding whether or not to buy the stupidest things I would ever want when all of a sudden, a voice came over the PA.

“Attention Walmart shoppers! Santa will be here until 2pm today! Come and get your free picture with Santa! And as always, thank you for cal..wh…Walmart!”

I ignored the announcer’s inability to say the words “shopping at Walmart.” Santa? I thought. What fun!

I spent the next twenty minutes wandering around the store trying to find where the fuck they had hidden the fat bastard. Until today, I had never known a Santa to be so elusive. But I’d be damned if I gave up so easily.

Eventually, I stumbled across him. And I wish I had not.

Santa, a thinish man, wearing the least realistic beard I had ever seen, sat, completely alone next to the candy aisle. He watched sadly was children wandered by without making eye contact. Next to him, a pile of clearance foot baths sat, unsold.

Walmart, I appreciate what you were trying to do. But I really wish you hadn’t bothered. You managed to turn Santa into a depressant. I was feeling so good and now I just feel dirty and a little sad. Which is how I always feel when I leave Walmart.

Please, don’t get your Walmart stink all over my Christmas spirit.

Sincerely,

Ryan Merriam

Another Comedy Show w/ Dan Cummins!

Check out comedian Dan Cummins, who we recently interviewed for Another Comedy Show. Dan has a new album out, a new one-hour special coming out soon, and he just performed on Conan. So. Check out the podcast. Topics include his experiences on Conan, Last Comic Standing, touring, starting stand up, etc.

In particular his story about his worst show ever is fantastic. So check out the podcast, (episode 5), or search for “Another Comedy Show” on iTunes. Subscribin’ would be cool too, if you are a cool person.